Kindred
by Foreword
Summary: E/K/O story.  Elliot & Kathy Stabler have found happiness with their five children, but where does that leave Olivia?  Can Elliot & Kathy give her what she needs to be fulfilled without destroying their own lives? Rated M for future content.
1. Chapter 1

**Kindred: noun: blood relative, adj: related or connected, alike, corresponding, matching**

**_Author's Note: This story starts about seven months after "Stablers in Private" ends. It's not necessary to have read that first, but it will give you some of the background-and I think you'd enjoy it! I am an E/K shipper but feel that there is a strong bond between E/O that transcends mere partnership on the job and even friendship. So this story will be an E/K/O story-no, no 3-somes involved! but E & K will put their own family on the line to help Olivia get to where she needs to be in life. I think this story will appeal to even strict E/O shippers-unless you absolutely hate Kathy Stabler-if that's the case, then read elsewhere!  
_**

**_In canon, this story would take place in Season 10, but I've taken some liberties. Neither Maureen or Kathleen live at home-they share an apartment. Eli looks like Elliot in my stories instead of being blond as in the show-I like the two boys in the family to have inherited their father's good looks! Olivia is a year or two younger than she should be in the time line of the show.  
_**

**_ As always, I welcome reviews and feedback-be honest, I've got a tough skin and true feedback helps improve the story. Feel free to review here and/or follow me on twitter: Foreword55_**

_Olivia_

Olivia sat at her desk, trying to stifle a yawn. It had been a long afternoon of doing paperwork and after a night without much sleep, she was having trouble staying awake despite numerous trips to the coffee machine. When her phone rang, she eagerly snatched it up.

"Benson. Oh, hi, Kathy. Yes, I can still pick him up—4:00, right? Okay, I'll see you back at the house."

She hung up, a rueful smile on her face. Who would have guessed that after all of these years, her new best friend would be her partner's wife, Kathy Stabler? Over the course of the last seven months, that was exactly what had happened. First, Kathy had extended an invitation to dinner at their house with the whole family and then, shortly after, asked her to go to lunch. The real turning point was when Olivia had watched the Stabler kids for a weekend so Elliot and Kathy could go away for their anniversary. Somehow, that had turned a corner for both of them and given them a common ground. Now, Kathy was going taking courses at the university and she and Olivia got together often for lunch or coffee. Olivia had to admit, it was nice having a female friend to dish with. The erratic hours of her job made it difficult to connect with anyone outside the police force.

Today, Olivia was helping out by picking their youngest son, Eli up from the campus day care center. Kathy had a late study group and Elliot was down in Quantico, Virginia at the FBI Academy, attending a workshop on profiling. This was the third time she'd picked the little guy up and she was looking forward to it. At almost two, Eli was adorable and the two of them had really bonded over the past few months. He was beginning to talk and would babble an enthusiastic "Wib-a!" whenever he saw her.

Olivia glanced at her watch. Twenty more minutes before she could leave, which meant she had time for another D-5. Damn, she was tired of paperwork. She had been sure that, as soon as Elliot left town, they'd be hit with a slew of cases as always happened when they were shorthanded. That hadn't been the case this time. He'd left yesterday and they'd had no new calls. Fin and Munch had dodged the paperwork bullet by going to meet with the ADA to go over testimony for an upcoming trial.

She yawned again, and resumed typing. Sleep had been elusive for the last few nights, and, if she really thought about it, for the last few months. She preferred not to think about it.

Her phone rang again, and this time it was Declan, the man she'd been dating for the past nine months. They had a pretty relaxed relationship, getting together whenever their schedules allowed. Since they were both detectives, that wasn't as often as they would have liked.

"Hey, Liv—I wondered if you wanted to grab a bite to eat tonight," said Declan now. "I'm actually getting out at a decent hour."

"Dec, I'd love to," answered Olivia. "But tonight's the night I'm picking Eli up from day care, remember? I told Kathy I'd stay with him until she gets home at seven. "

"Ah, that's right," he replied, sounding disgruntled. She knew that Declan had issues with how close she was to Elliot and his family. No matter how many times that she assured him that she and Elliot were just close friends, he seemed to feel threatened by her relationship with her partner and thought that the time she spent watching his kids was just plain weird.

"I could stop by after I'm done," offered Olivia lightly. "We could have…..um, dessert…or something…"

"I don't know," he muttered. "I'm kind of tired, I'll probably be conked out by the time you haul your ass back from Queens."

"Okay then," said Olivia, a little miffed that he would turn down her offer. That didn't fit in with her plan. Declan had been bugging her to move in with him for months, but she wasn't quite ready to make that commitment. She cared about him, but there were…issues….she had to work out in her own life, things she had to decide before she took that kind of step. If she was being honest with herself, she was waiting for the decision to be taken out of her hands, but so far, that wasn't happening either.

"I'll give you a call tomorrow and see what's up," he promised. "Say hi to the Stabler brats for me."

"Hey, they're not…" she began, but he was already gone.

Olivia placed the phone back in its cradle and stared blankly at her computer screen. It was time for her to make up her mind about this relationship—commit herself to it or cut Declan loose. He was getting frustrated and she didn't blame him. _If only…._

She shook her head as if to erase her thoughts and glanced at her watch again. Okay—close enough. She shut down her computer, grabbed her bag and walked over to Cragen's office. He too was buried in paperwork, and looked up, bleary-eyed, when she tapped on his door frame to let him know she was there.

"Hey, Cap, I'm just heading out," she said. "Today is the day I'm leaving early to help Kathy Stabler out."

"Okay," said Cragen, rubbing his eyes. "It's nice of you to do that, with Elliot out of town. Have you heard anything from him?"

"Just an email saying he got there and that all FBI agents are prigs." Olivia laughed and Cragen shook his head.

"That's our boy," he laughed. "You go on Olivia, have a good evening."

* * *

Olivia went to the garage to retrieve her car. Everyone thought she was crazy when she bought it a few years ago—who needs a car when living in Manhattan?—but she'd been using it more often in the last few months. She drove the forty minutes to the Child Development Center on the Queens College campus where Kathy left Eli when she went to class. It had been a big step for the Stablers to put one of their children in day care but Eli had thrived; he loved going there and playing with the other kids his age.

The staff at the CDC knew Olivia from previous visits. She signed him out and found him playing in a group of toddlers supervised by two aides. All of the people who worked at the Center were either students or faculty at the college, which had been helpful in persuading Elliot that it was okay to leave his son with strangers. Olivia bent down next to the little boy and called his name. A wide grin spread across his face when he saw her and he immediately lifted his arms to be picked up. She scooped him up and gave him a hug, burying her nose in his dark curly hair and inhaling the scent that is unique to babies.

"Hey, little man," she said. "You ready to go home?" Eli clapped his hands, making Olivia laugh. "That's new, when did you learn to do that?"

"We've been doing a lot of "patty cake" this week," said one of the aides. "Now they're all doing it."

Olivia went to Eli's cubby and retrieved his jacket. He let her put it on with only a minimal struggle and waited while she slung his diaper bag over one shoulder and picked up the car seat that Kathy had left for her. She understood now how Kathy had remained so thin after having five children—this was hard work! Picking Eli up with her free arm, she headed out to the car.

Putting a car seat in a classic Mustang was not an easy feat. She set Eli down on the passenger side of the front seat and gave him her car keys to play with while she moved the driver's seat forward and struggled to fasten the car seat in the back. Not for the first time, she thought about getting a car seat to keep there permanently so she didn't have to go through this every time. _Dec would just love that!_

_

* * *

_

She pulled up at the Stabler house and parked to the side of the driveway so Kathy would have room to pull in when she got home. The twins, Liz and Dick, weren't home yet so let herself in the door with the key that Kathy had given her. Eli had just about fallen asleep during the car ride, but perked up when they got inside. She took off his jacket and set him down on the floor, where he made a beeline for the kitchen.

"I take it you're hungry?" Olivia laughed and followed him. He went right to his high chair so she helped him get in it and fastened the tray, then went to the cupboard for some graham crackers. He began pounding those into small pieces with his fist while she found a banana and sliced into to small pieces and set those in front of him too. When he was happily smearing the two items together and licking them off his fingers, Olivia went to the refrigerator and took out the casserole that Kathy had left for dinner. Olivia always offered to pick up take out, but Kathy insisted on leaving meals for the kids. She was determined to prove to Elliot—and herself—that she could handle going back to school and running a household as well as she always had.

Olivia turned the oven to the temperature on the note Kathy had left on the dish, and then sat down at the table next to the baby. He held out a piece of cracker smeared with banana too her and grinned.

"Why thank you, I was starving!" exclaimed Olivia and licked the food off his small fingers. He squealed with delight and picked up another piece for her. She loved being with this little guy and in fact, all of the Stabler kids. The weekend she'd spend with them back in the fall had been a turning point for her. It hadn't been an easy weekend—Eli had been sick with an ear infection and somewhat cranky. Olivia had gotten a true taste of what it was like to be a mother—and had loved every minute of it. The only down side was that it had started her biological clock ticking in earnest. If she wanted to be a mother herself, she had to get her act in gear and DO something about it. She was forty and soon, it might not be advisable, or even possible, to have children of her own. She'd already looked into adoption and had been turned down because of the demands of her job and her lack of family to support her.

"I wish your parents would just give me YOU," she mused to Eli. He gurgled happily at her, as if in agreement, and offered her another gooey cracker.


	2. Chapter 2

Perspectives

* * *

Kathy arrived home at around 7:30 to find Olivia on the living room floor building a block tower with Eli, who was already bathed and in his pajamas. The house smelled invitingly of the casserole she'd left for dinner.

"Hi, Kathy," said Olivia from her spot on the floor. "There's a plate for you in the oven if you're hungry."

Kathy took off her jacket and dropped on to the couch, tired. "So, is this what it's like to have a wife?" she laughed, resting her head against the back of the couch. Eli, seeing his mother, dropped his blocks and crawled over to pull himself up into her lap.

"Hey, baby," she crooned, scooping him up and kissing him on the top of his head. "Did you miss me?"

"He's been great, and the twins have done their homework and are upstairs," Olivia told her. "And you just missed Elliot—he said he'd call back after Eli's in bed."

"I can't thank enough for doing all of this," Kathy said. "I would have missed my study group if you hadn't picked him up."

"Not a problem," smiled Olivia. "I had fun; you know I love your kids."

"Well, they love you," Kathy smiled back. "Not to raise a sore subject….but like I've said before, you'd make a great mom, Olivia."

Olivia shrugged. "Well, you know basic biology, you've got o have a dad to have a mom. " She quipped, not wanting Kathy to realize just how close to home that statement hit.

"What about Declan? Could he be daddy material?"

Olivia shrugged again. "We haven't really talked about it. It's kind of hard to bring up that topic when I can't even commit to moving in with him. And….he doesn't seem to have a lot of patience when it comes to kids." She wasn't about to tell Kathy how Declan resented the time she spent with the Stabler family.

"Well, let's see about that—let my kids be the test! I was going to suggest you bring him out this weekend—the weather supposed to be nice, we could do a barbeque in the backyard. Elliot's dying to try out his new grill. Sunday afternoon?"

"I'll ask him," said Olivia. "I don't think he's scheduled to work this weekend." She and Declan had gone out to dinner once with Kathy and Elliot. Olivia hoped that if he saw how happy the Stablers were with each other, he'd get over his suspicions about her and Elliot. They'd had fun, but it didn't stop him from being grumpy whenever she mentioned her partner's name. She wasn't sure if he'd even agree to come out to Queens for the afternoon, but she'd ask him. It _would_ be nice to see how he acted around the kids.

* * *

Elliot flipped his phone shut and flopped back on the hard single bed the academy had provided for trainees. At least he had a room to himself. He put his hands behind his head and lay looking at the institutional acoustic tile ceiling, thinking about the conversation he'd just had with his wife. It was hard, sometimes, to grasp just how much things had changed in the past year, but he wasn't complaining. It had taken him some time to wrap his head around the idea of his wife and his partner becoming good friends. Even he, despite his initial reservations, had to admit that it was a good development. Kathy no longer resented the time he spent with Olivia on the job and Olivia seemed happier now that she had someone to confide in and hang out with. He still worried that he was too often the topic of their conversation, but he could live with that if it meant peace between the areas of his life.

"I hope you don't mind, but I invited Olivia and Declan out for a barbeque on Sunday," Kathy had told him on the phone. Elliot still wasn't sure how he felt about Declan O'Reilly. He was a nice enough guy and he seemed to treat Olivia well, but Liv herself was touchy about the subject of their relationship. If after all of these months, she couldn't make up her mind about the guy, there had to be a good reason. His partner had a great instinct for people. He wanted nothing more than to see her happy with someone, to have what he and Kathy had. She deserved it after the shitty childhood she'd had.

Elliot rolled over to his side and reached for the training manual he'd left on the nightstand. _Might as well review the material for tomorrow. _He hated being away from his family and the job, but at least Olivia had reassured him earlier that he wasn't missing out on anything important.

* * *

Before pulling out of the Stabler's driveway, Olivia pulled out her cell phone and dialed Dec's number. It was only eight-thirty, he should still be awake. He answered on the first ring. "O'Reilly."

"Hey," she said. "I'm on my way home—thought I'd double check to see if you changed your mind about me stopping by." It wasn't like Olivia to beg for a man's company, but she was feeling…needy …tonight. She heard Declan yawn.

"Sure, if you want to." he said, "I'm just hanging out watching TV."

Okay, so it wasn't the most romantic offer she'd had, but she was determined to make the best of what was left of the evening. She told him she'd be there in forty minutes or less and hung up.

It wasn't easy to find a parking spot where she could leave her car overnight in Declan's neighborhood, so it was more like an hour before she showed up at his apartment door. It took him a few minutes to answer, and as soon as he opened the door, she could tell that she had woken him up. His dark hair stood up in tufts around his head and his green eyes were bleary and bloodshot. He wore an old faded Knicks t-shirt over a pair of gym shorts. Yawning, he stepped aside so she could enter.

"Sorry," he apologized. "It's been a long week and I'm beat. I guess I fell asleep on the couch." He held out a hand for her coat and hung it in the closet next to the door for her. Whatever faults he might have, Declan O'Reilly was a gentleman. His strict mother and the nuns at parochial school had beaten that much into him.

Olivia stepped up to him and twined her arms around his neck, pulling his mouth down to hers for a long, lingering kiss. He tasted like the beer he must have been drinking before he fell asleep.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," she purred into his ear, kissing along his neck. "But I bet I can make it up to you."

Declan laughed, a soft throaty chuckle. He put his hands on her hips and began walking her backward toward his bedroom. "I just bet you can, Detective Benson."


	3. Chapter 3

Negative

_A month later._

Olivia picked up the box and read the directions over again. This time, she'd bought a different brand. With an apprehensive sigh, she opened one end and slid a stick out, unwrapped it and sat down on the toilet to follow the directions. She placed the stick on the edge of the sink and looked at her watch to begin the requisite three minute wait.

The control strip immediately turned color to show that the test had been done correctly, but at four minutes, the second strip had not appeared. She wasn't pregnant. Her eyes filled with hot tears. _Damn! _

The buzzer to her apartment sounded in the other room-Declan was early. Olivia hastily wiped the tears from her face and shoved the box into the cupboard under the sink and used stick into the garbage can, pulling some tissues out of the box on the back of the toilet to cover it up. She hurried to let her guest in.

Olivia wasn't much of a cook, preferring to rely on take-out meals from the plethora of ethnic restaurants in her neighborhood, but there were a few dishes she could make well, and one of them was Declan's favorite: lasagna. She had a tray of it cooking in the oven, and had set the small table in her dining area for two, with a bottle of wine waiting to be opened. Salad and garlic bread were ready on the kitchen counter. Both she and Dec had been working a lot lately and she was hoping for a special evening where they could both relax and enjoy each other's company.

Pasting a big smile on her face, she opened the door. "Hey, handsome!" she said brightly, and accepted the bottle of wine Declan held out to her. "Merlot, perfect!" She knew that he preferred beer, but was making an effort to please her. It wasn't often that she offered to cook for him.

If she was distracted during dinner, Dec didn't appear to notice, eating with relish and filling her in on the big drug bust his squad had just made after months of legwork. Olivia couldn't stop thinking about the negative pregnancy test. She had been so hopeful that this one would turn positive. She had stopped using any kind of birth control more than five months ago, after she and Declan had agreed to be monogamous and condoms were no longer needed. She'd let him assume that she was on the pill, leaving an old packet of pills out on the bathroom counter now and then for him to take note of.

_Maybe I'm too old._ Her mind raced with all of the things that could be wrong with her forty year old body, although, at her last check up, her gynecologist had pronounced her healthy and "good to go".

She poured herself another glass of wine. If she wasn't pregnant, she didn't need to worry about the negative effects of alcohol. Without realizing it, she gave another big sigh.

"Everything okay?" Declan asked, concern in his eyes. He really was a decent guy, and Olivia felt a stab of guilt at how she'd been keeping him at arm's length over the past few months. He was eager to take their relationship to the next step and move in together, but she….all she wanted to do was see if she could get pregnant. If she did, and he was okay with that, she'd consider more. They'd never discussed having children. Declan was ten years younger and divorced, once, from an early and brief marriage which he refused to talk about. Olivia was too afraid to raise the subject and take the risk of finding out that he didn't want children, or that he thought she was too old to have his. If she got pregnant and he thought it was an accident….well, that kept her options open. Deep down, she knew this reasoning was faulty and not fair to Declan but she didn't care. Ever since the weekend she had stayed with the Stabler kids, she had felt a burning desire, no, NEED to have a child of her own.

"I'm fine," Olivia answered, with a bright smile. "Just a little tired. I picked up a few movies, I thought we could watch one after we eat."

"Sounds nice," Declan replied, with a warm smile of his own. He was a very handsome man, and not for the first time, she thought about what pretty babies they could make together. "This is a great meal, Liv, I can't remember the last time I ate anything home made."

He helped her clear the table, and excused himself to go to the bathroom while she loaded the dishwasher. He'd only been gone a few minutes when she heard a metallic _clang_ from the bathroom and a muffled curse. _What the h…?_

A minute later, Declan was back in the kitchen, a look of confusion on his face-and the used pregnancy test, one end wrapped in tissue paper, held in his hand.

"I tripped over your garbage can and spilled it," he said tightly. "And found…this!" He looked at her. "What's going on, Liv?"

She couldn't meet his eyes. "It's negative anyway, Dec," she said, turning back to the dishwasher. "So there's nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about!" he exclaimed, moving two her side in a few hurried steps. "Just whose baby were you expecting to have?"

Olivia looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean, whose baby?"

"Are you sleeping with Stabler?" Declan asked, his tone harsh and his face tight.

"What are you talking about? " Olivia was angry now. She'd assured him, over and over, that there was nothing more than friendship and a working relationship between her and Elliot, yet he refused to accept that. "You're the only person I've slept with in over a year, Declan. If I WAS pregnant, it would be have to be your baby, now wouldn't it?"

"No, it wouldn't." he said, staring at her. He looked very upset. He ran his hands through hair and stepped toward her, then back again, as if he didn't trust being that close. "Considering that I'm sterile, I don't see how it could be."

Olivia looked at him, her mouth agape. "Sterile?" she finally managed to croak out after a minute. "How…why…how do you know that?"

"That's why Cheryl and I got divorced." He practically hissed. "She wanted kids, the sooner the better. When she didn't get pregnant after a year, she insisted that we both get tested. We found out that I was shooting blanks. They blamed it on the mumps I had when I was a kid. After that, she wasn't interested in me anymore."

Olivia stood there, speechless, her mind reeling. All of these months, she'd been figuring there was something wrong with her, and all along—it was him! "But you never said anything…."

"It's nothing something you announce to women on the first date." He said angrily. "And I thought, with you, it wouldn't matter…"

"Why? Why wouldn't it matter to me?" Olivia asked, more confused than ever.

"Because you're older and if you haven't had kids by now…."

"You think I'm too old to have kids?" she practically spat at him. He looked at her blankly and after a minute, shrugged.

"I thought you didn't want any, or you'd have settled down with someone before now. Forty is kind of old to start a family, isn't it?"

Olivia leaned heavily against the kitchen counter behind her, holding on with both hands as if that would stop her world from spinning. Declan couldn't have children…he thought she was too old to want children….he thought she was safe because she was older…

"Is that why you asked me out in the first place?" she asked, a hurt and vulnerable expression on her face. "Because I'm old?"

"No, no…." said Declan, reaching for her. Olivia pushed him away.

"I think you should leave." She told him, with a cold glare.

"Liv…" he said helplessly. His green eyes were locked with hers and pleading.

"Just leave. You don't trust me anyway. You see a pregnancy test and the first thing you assume is that I'm sleeping with my partner. Did it ever occur to you that maybe my period was late, and since I didn't KNOW that you were sterile, I was worried? I want you to leave!" She was immediately ashamed of pushing the blame off on him but she desperately needed to be alone to think

He looked at her for a long moment, then shrugged and turned toward the door. "Whatever." He stopped, with his hand on the door knob, turned as if he was going to say something else, but instead, shook his head and left, closing the door gently behind him.

Olivia picked up the remaining bottle of wine and took it, the corkscrew and a glass to the coffee table. She sank down onto the couch and with shaking hands, opened the bottle and poured herself a glass. She had just spent the last five months—five precious months, trying to get pregnant by a man who was…sterile! The irony didn't escape her. If she'd only been honest with Declan about what she wanted in the first place….

She bent forward at the waist, a keening cry escaping from her lips. Why didn't anything ever work out for her? She'd been waiting for a sign that she should commit to Declan and what did she get? A slap in the face, a punch in the gut, and the absolute opposite of what she most wanted—a father for her child. She curled up into a ball on the couch, hugging one of the pillows to her empty womb and cried until there were no more tears.


	4. Chapter 4

Comfort

Kathy hung up the phone and turned to look out the window. She saw Elliot coming across the back yard and went to the back door to meet him.

"What's up?" he asked when he saw the look on her face.

"I just called Olivia…" she began.

"Are they coming out for the cook out?" he asked. He'd been cleaning up the yard in anticipation of company, after Kathy had decided on the spur of the moment to invite Olivia and Declan out for dinner. The last time they had come out a month ago had gone well and Kathy was determined to help in whatever way she could to get their relationship on firm footing. She liked having Olivia as a friend and wanted her to be happy. It was nice having another couple to do things with, especially for Elliot. Many of the people they knew through church and the kid's school were too much in awe and fear of his job to be comfortable company.

"No…and I think there's something wrong," said Kathy hesitantly. Elliot came up to next to her.

"What do you mean?"

"She didn't sound right…said she and Declan had a big fight last night. Elliot, she sounded so strange; she was totally out of it."

"Out of it how? As in drunk?" It was one o'clock in the afternoon, if his partner was drinking at this time of day, something was definitely wrong.

"No, not like she was drinking, I don't know how to explain it."

Elliot frowned. He'd seen Olivia in a lot of dark moods over the years, but this sounded extreme.

"El, I think you should go see her."

He looked at Kathy in surprise. Her attitude about Olivia had done a complete turnaround over the past year, but it still caught him off guard at times.

"You're the one who talked to her, why don't you go?" he suggested gently. "She'll be more comfortable talking to you than me. I can hold down the fort here if you want to drive in."

Kathy's brow furrowed as she thought about this. "No, I think you should go. Please? I'm really worried."

* * *

Elliot knocked at the door of Olivia's apartment. There was no answer. The doorman had already told him that he hasn't seen her go out all day, so he knew she had to be there. He knocked again, harder.

"Liv, it's me, Elliot. Let me in." It took a few minutes, but he finally heard sounds on the other side of the door and the rasp of the chain being drawn back. When she opened the door, his eyes widened with concern. She looked like hell. Her hair was uncombed and her eyes were red-rimmed, with dark circles under them. It looked as though she'd been sleeping in the clothes she'd worn the day before.

"Liv, what's going on?" he asked, taking her by the elbow and steering her over to the couch. She allowed him to lead her without resistance, almost puppet like in her movements. She didn't answer, but sat back against the cushions and closed her eyes.

"Are you sick? Did Declan hurt you?" Asked Elliot. He'd never seen Olivia like this. She was such a fighter; her usual reaction to adversity was to get angry and fight back, not give in.

She shook her head from side to side, not opening her eyes. "Declan didn't do anything," she whispered. "It's me, El. I'm such a….fuck up. I screw up every good thing in my life."

Elliot pulled her closer and put his arm around her. Again, she didn't resist, just laid her dark head against his shoulder. "Talk to me, Liv." Again, she shook her head. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Elliot didn't know what to do. Kathy was right, there was something seriously wrong with his partner, but if she refused to talk to him, what could he do?

"Liv, listen to me." He finally said, taking her by the shoulders and sitting her up straight. She looked at him, her dark eyes looking exhausted and blank. "I want you to go take a shower and throw some things in a bag. I'm taking you back to Queens with me."

"No, Elliot." Again, she shook her head. "I don't want to be around anyone right now."

"I'm not giving you a choice, Liv. You either come with me, or I'm going to stay here and annoy the crap out of you. I think you're better off coming back with me and letting Kathy fuss over you."

She brushed her hair out of her eyes and shrugged. "Whatever. Okay." He watched as she stood up and walked slowly toward her bedroom, as if that simple movement was too much effort. When he heard the sound of the shower running, he pulled out his cell phone and called his wife.

"You're right, she's definitely not herself, but she won't talk to me. I'm going to bring her back to our place for the rest of the weekend. I'll take the kids and go do something and maybe she'll open up to you."

After talking to Kathy, Elliot went to the kitchen, started a pot of coffee and looked in the refrigerator to see what he could make Liv to eat. As usual, the pickings were slim, but he found some eggs to scramble and bread for toast. He noticed the remains of the lasagna and salad and realized she must have made dinner the night before. What could have gone so wrong with Declan to cause her to become almost comatose with grief?

When Liv shuffled back into the living room, dressed in baggy jeans and a t-shirt, he made her sit down at the table. He put the food in front of her and watched as she mostly pushed it around her plate.

"You're hurting my feelings a little here," he teased her. "My scrambled eggs are world famous."

She gave him a wan smile and took a few small bites, but soon went back to pushing food around.

"Did you pack a bag?" Elliot asked her. She nodded. She'd hardly spoken at all since he'd arrived and he was starting to get worried. Maybe he should be calling Huang for advice instead of taking things into his own hands, but his gut told him that what she needed was to be around people who loved her, and that was his family.

"Okay, then." Elliot stood and took the plate from her, replacing it with the cup of coffee he'd poured for her. "Let me put this stuff away and we'll hit the road." He threw out the uneaten food, put the dishes in the dishwasher and went to the bedroom to get Olivia's bag. He noticed that her bed was neatly made and wondered if she'd spent the night on the couch. It didn't seem like she would have gone to the trouble of making it up in her current state. Through the bathroom door he could see the towels she had used after her shower dropped on the floor and he went in to hang them up. Olivia was usually a neat freak; she was always nagging him about the way he left his things all over the place in the crib at the precinct. He really, really did not like seeing her in this state.

Liv was at the kitchen sink, pouring out her coffee when he came back into the room. She put the cup in the dishwasher and walked over to meet him. "Thanks, El," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He was so relieved to see even a little bit of the Olivia he knew back that he almost cheered.

* * *

Kathy and Olivia sat in the backyard, stretched out in chaise lounges and soaking up the late afternoon sun. Elliot had taken the twins and Eli to the park to give the two women time to talk. Olivia had closed her eyes and slept on the drive to Queens, but had perked up when they got there. She'd greeted the kids warmly if a bit less enthusiastically than usual. Kathy had a pitcher of iced tea ready and liberally spiked it with peach rum before herding Olivia out to the yard with glasses and a tray of sandwiches.

It wasn't long before Olivia had spilled the whole story. "I feel like such a fool," she moaned, shading her eyes from the sun. "I used Declan….like a stud horse or something. All I cared about was what he could do for me."

Kathy was quiet for a few minutes, processing all that her friend had told her.

"You really want a baby then?' she asked, refilling their glasses.

"It's all I've been able to think about since that weekend I stayed with your kids. That, and how little time I have left to have a baby of my own. I'll be forty-one this year!"

"I was forty when I had Eli," Kathy reminded her.

"Yes—and I remember how worried Elliot was through your whole pregnancy," said Olivia. "If I'm going to have a baby, it needs to be soon. But that doesn't justify the way I treated Declan. Serves me right that he turns out to be shooting blanks."

"Have you thought about a sperm donor?" Kathy asked gently. "You're right; you shouldn't be rushing into a relationship just to find a father for your child."

"I looked into that when the adoption agency turned me down." Olivia sighed. "But the thought of an anonymous donor freaks me out. I spent most of my life wondering who my own father was. I can't do the same thing to my kid. And—what if the donor was some kind of psycho—a serial killer, or a rapist? I mean, I know they screen people, but you can't tell a sociopath just by looking at them."

"Or their sperm." Kathy interjected with a grin. They both laughed and Kathy gave an inward sigh of relief. Elliot had been right to insist that Olivia come home with him. The more she talked, the more Olivia was returning to her usual self. Kathy realized with a pang that Olivia was so accustomed to dealing with problems by herself that she didn't understand how much it helps to be able to talk it over with someone else and get another perspective.

"What if the sperm donor was someone you knew?" asked Kathy.

Olivia looked at her. "What am I gonna do—go around asking all of the guys I know if I can have a little of their baby gravy?"

Kathy gave a snort of laughter, spilling iced tea all over herself. "Baby gravy! Oh my god, I've never heard that one before."

"You lead a sheltered life out here in the suburbs," Olivia told her and they both cracked up again.

"But seriously, it's an idea," Kathy said, determined not to let the subject drop. Olivia needed to be looking forward. "Think about it. There must be someone."

"Not any of the men I've dated over the past few years, that's for sure." Olivia said with a sigh. "None of them were daddy material."

"Is there someone you trust?

Olivia thought about it for a minute. Trusting men wasn't her strong point. There hadn't been a lot of good men in her life. Maybe the Captain and….

"Who?" asked Kathy. "I can tell by your face that you've thought of someone." Olivia shook her head, but Kathy persisted. "Just tell me. We're brainstorming here."

Olivia shrugged and said simply: "Your husband."


	5. Chapter 5

Absurd

Kathy tried not to show how shocked she was by Olivia's answer. _That's what I get for asking such an obvious question—of course Elliot is the man she trusts the most. He's her partner. But he's MY husband. Haven't I shared enough of him?_

"Ummm….any second choices?" Kathy pretended to laugh. "I don't know if the world needs any more Elliot Stabler offspring out there."

"Yeah, really," Olivia agreed, almost too quickly. She had regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. _What was I thinking? Telling Kathy I'd like her husband to be my sperm donor? What a good way to lose a friend!_

"Maybe you should rethink the anonymous donor idea," said Kathy. "Lots of people go that route, maybe there's a support group for parents who could give you some feedback on how it worked out."

"Good idea," said Olivia vaguely.

* * *

Elliot drove Olivia back to the city on Sunday afternoon. "Thank you so much for rescuing me from myself," she told him when they pulled up at her building. She leaned over to give him an impulsive kiss on the cheek. "I would have wallowed all weekend on my own."

"You going to be okay?" Elliot asked her. His blue eyes, full of concern, locked on hers.

"Yes," she said firmly. She reached for the door handle, and then hesitated. "And El-I told Kathy it was okay to tell you everything later. It's not that I didn't want you to know….I just feel like an idiot about the whole mess. I'm too embarrassed to repeat it again."

Elliot nodded. "I understand. But Liv—I hope you know, Kathy and I are both here for you, anytime you need us. We care about you. You don't need to be alone when you're going through a rough time."

Olivia smiled. "I know that now, partner. See you tomorrow morning." She lifted her bag off the floor and was gone, looking like the Olivia he knew with her purposeful stride and proud posture.

* * *

"So this whole thing was about Liv wanting to have a baby?" Elliot asked. He and Kathy were lying in bed after making love and she had just finished filling him in on the whole saga. Kathy nodded. "I can't believe she was using Declan like that; that doesn't sound like Liv."

Kathy shrugged. "I think she's feeling desperate, El. She's over forty, she's been turned down by the adoption agency and she doesn't want an anonymous donor. That doesn't leave many options."

"Declan seems like a decent guy," mused Elliot. "It's too bad he can't father kids, but still, she should have been honest with him."

"I wish there was something we could do to help her," said Kathy, moving over to put her head on Elliot's shoulder. He lifted his arm and pulled her in close. "It seems so unfair, here we are with five of our own and she can't have just one."

"What do you want to do, give her one of ours?" Elliot laughed. "Please, let me pick which one, okay?"

"Of course not," said Kathy, slapping him lightly on the chest. "Don't even joke about something like that."

They were quiet for a few minutes. Elliot was just beginning to doze off when Kathy asked: "Remember the movie "The Big Chill"? The one with Kevin Klein and Glenn Close?"

He thought for a moment. "The one where the college friends all get together after the funeral of their friend? " Kathy nodded. "What about it?"

"Do you remember the part where Glenn Close asks Kevin Klein to sleep with her best friend, May Kay Place, to get her pregnant?"

Elliot raised himself so a semi-sitting position and looked down at his wife. "What are you saying, Kath?" He practically sputtered. "You want me to….have sex with my partner?"

"No, no….I don't know what I'm saying, El. Of course I don't want you to sleep with anyone else…it was just such a generous gesture….she wanted her friend to be happy. Of course, that was before artificial insemination was common place."

Elliot was shaking his head in confusion. "Kathy, you know I'd do anything to help Liv, but that's….just crazy."

Kathy sat up and looked at him. "I know it is. I'm just thinking out loud. What about…would you consider being a sperm donor?"

Elliot shook his head, a gesture born of frustration rather than refusal. "You know how the Church feels about that, Kath. It's not natural. It's not how God intended conception to take place."

"Well, I can't believe God would intend for someone as wonderful as Olivia to be childless either," answered Kathy. "I think the church is wrong on this one."

Elliot pulled her close again, and snuggled them back down on the bed. He pulled the covers up around them and kissed her forehead. "Kathy, I love you. And I love that you want to help Olivia. But—this is a crazy idea. Crazy. And it's way too late to be talking about something like this. Actually, I don't want to talk about it again-ever."


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N: This story is taking turns I never expected; it's almost as if it's writing itself. So, where it all ends up is turning out to be a mystery, even to me! I started out with a clear story line from A-Z, but we're off in binary numbers now. Many thanks to all who have read and reviewed-please keep the feedback coming, it helps keep the creative juices flowing._**

Amends

Elliot woke with a raging hard-on and fleeting dream images of two naked women—his wife and Olivia, splayed on a bed, waiting for him to service them both. He groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow. _What is Kathy trying to do to me? _He'd spent years keeping his work and home life separated. It had been difficult enough to adjust to his wife and partner becoming close friends; now Kathy wanted him to father a baby with Olivia? It was insane.

His relationship with Olivia had always been enigmatic. They were close in the way that only partners who had to cover each other's backs could be, but it went beyond that. He genuinely cared for Olivia and wanted her to be happy. She was a beautiful woman but he'd always been careful not to, had never **allowed **himself to think of her in that way, not even in that dark period when he and Kathy were separated. He'd slept with other women during that time, but it all ended when they reconciled. He was a married man who loved his wife and family. He'd sworn to himself when he started on the force that he was not, absolutely **not **going to be the kind of cop who chased tail on the job while his wife waited patiently at home, worrying about his safety. He would **not **be the kind of husband his father had been.

When his erection finally subsided, he raised his head to look at the clock: 4:45 am. No point in trying to go back to sleep when Eli would be awake in an hour. He doubted he'd be able to sleep anyway and there was just enough time to get in a run before the baby woke up and started calling for him. Now that Eli was beginning to talk, he started each day yelling "Da Da Da! from his crib, each word louder than the last, until his father came to rescue him. It never failed to make Elliot smile, no matter how tired he was.

Grabbing a pair of shorts and t-shirt from his dresser, he quietly left the room and dressed in the bathroom down the hall. Poking his head into Eli's room, he saw that he was still sound asleep, clutching his blanket and stuffed dog. He went downstairs to retrieve his sneakers from the hall closet and headed out into the cool morning air. It was a beautiful June morning; the sun was shining and the birds were in full chorus. He jogged slowly until he felt his muscles loosen up and then ran his heart out, feeling the tension draining out of him as he coursed through the neighborhood. Elliot Stabler wasn't always good about talking about his feelings or even knowing exactly how he felt. He relied on the release of endorphins from exercising to clear his mind and help him think. Lifting weights and running kept him sane.

* * *

Over the course of the next few days, Olivia seemed to be back to her usual self, efficient and on top of things, but it didn't escape Elliot's notice that a sad, haunted look crept into her eyes when she thought no one was looking. On Wednesday afternoon, she told Elliot that she was cutting out a few minutes early to meet Declan for coffee.

"Are you two talking again?" asked Elliot, more than a bit surprised.

"I owe him an explanation," Olivia said simply. "I treated him badly and I need to apologize."

Elliot watched her stride out of the squad room, looking determined to right all of the wrongs in the world. He really wished that world would cut her a break for a change in return for all she did. She deserved to be happy.

* * *

Olivia was waiting in the coffee shop when Dec arrived. He pulled out the chair across from her and sat down, looking apprehensive. _No wonder, after the way I yelled at him._ The waitress came over to take his order and left in a hurry, as if sensing the tension between them.

"I was surprised to hear from you," he said stiffly. Like her, he had come right from work and looked tired, as if he hadn't slept much. She could certainly relate to that.

"Thanks for coming." Olivia said. Now that he was here in front of her, she didn't know where to start. _Just get it over with, Olivia. You owe him that much. _"I owe you an explanation—and an apology."

"An apology? For what? I'm the one who accused you of sleeping with your partner." He looked ashamed as he said it.

"I wasn't entirely honest with you." said Olivia.

"So—you are sleeping with Stabler?" he asked, his voice rising involuntarily.

Olivia looked around the coffee shop, which was a block from the precinct and full of cops. "Declan O'Reilly," she hissed. "I have never slept with my partner and never will. You need to drop that and fast"

"Okay, okay," he held his hands up as if in surrender. "So what are you apologizing for?"

Olivia was still angry, but she had to go through with this. "I wasn't honest with you." Declan looked at her, waiting for her to continue. "The reason I had the pregnancy test was because I was trying to get pregnant—by you—without telling you first. I had no idea that you were sterile."

Declan looked at her, his mouth agape. He sat forward, started to say something and then sat back again and burst out laughing. He stopped, looked at Liv and started laughing again.

Olivia was really pissed now. "What the hell is so funny?"

"It's just so fucking ironic," he chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes. "Seems the only thing women want me for is my swimmers, and mine are duds."

Olivia glared at him. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

He sat up and composed himself. "Yes," he said. "Go on." He looked at Olivia and started laughing again.

"You know what?" Olivia said angrily, standing up. "Never mind. This is nothing but a joke to you. At least I tried." She threw a few dollars down on the table to cover the cost of her coffee and headed for the door.

She was outside and halfway down the block before Declan caught up with her. "Olivia, wait up. I'm sorry."

She shook his hand off her arm and kept walking. "Please!" he continued. "You've got to understand my side of all this." Olivia stopped and glared at him, waiting. "Let's walk," he said, motioning down the block. She reluctantly fell into step beside him. They passed a few storefronts before he started talking.

"I never told you about any of this because I hate talking about it. I hate even thinking about it. It was a miserable period in my life." He paused and looked sideways at Olivia. She nodded stiffly to indicate she was listening. "I married Cheryl right out of college. I thought we'd be together forever. I wanted kids eventually, but she started obsessing about it as soon as we were married. After we went through the fertility tests and found out I was the problem—everything changed. She became more and more distant, and finally, told me she wanted a divorce. She claimed it had nothing to do with the infertility but I knew she was lying."

They came to a small green area in front of an apartment building with a bench. Declan motioned to the bench and raised his eyebrows. Olivia sat down, and he sat next to her, but facing her. She could see that what he was telling her wasn't easy for him and it softened her angry heart a tiny bit.

"I was-devastated. I thought marriage was for better or worse. There were other things we could have done—we could adopt, we could try artificial insemination, but Cheryl didn't want to discuss any of them. Once I couldn't give her children, it was like I ceased to exist for her. Can you imagine what it feel like to know you've been found lacking for something that's totally out of your control? "

"That must have been hard," said Olivia softly. Despite herself, she reached out and took his hand. He looked down at it and squeezed back.

"I went through a really rough patch. Slept with a lot of women, wasn't careful at all. Drank a lot. I'm lucky I didn't end up with HIV. Then I got the job in narcotics and straightened up my act—didn't date at all for a long time." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "And then I got up the nerve to ask you out."

She laughed. She didn't recall Declan having any problems at all coming on to her when Fin had introduced them at Murphy's bar. Then she remembered the things he had said to her that night in her apartment.

"Be honest with me—did you ask me out just because I'm older?

"I asked you out because you're gorgeous!" he said indignantly. "But I'll admit, in the back of my mind, I thought, well, here's someone who might not care that I can't have kids."

Now it was Olivia's turn to look away. "For a long time, I'd given up on the idea of having kids of my own." She said softly. "It just didn't seem like it was meant to be. But then, last fall, it just hit me like a ton of bricks—I wanted a baby. We had just started dating, and I wasn't sure where it was going to go, but I knew that, biologically, I didn't have much time left. So I thought I'd let nature decide for us. If I got pregnant and you wanted to be involved, fine. If you didn't, I was fine with that too."

"Wow." He said. Olivia was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "You really were using me, weren't you?"

As uncomfortable as it was, Olivia met his gaze. "Not totally, Dec. I love spending time with you. I know I haven't been as ready to commit as you wanted me to be, but that's an issue I've had with every guy I've ever dated. I've never been good at getting close to people. And—I was just blinded by the whole baby thing…"

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" He asked, searching her face for answers.

"I should have," she said softly. "I had no right to use you like that."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. "So…," said Declan at last. "Where does that leave us?"

Olivia shrugged. "I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again." Declan didn't answer right away. Olivia looked at him, but he was staring off into the distance, lost in thought. She figured he was probably thinking about his past, his wife, and all of those disappointments. And now, what she had done to him. She gently slipped her hand out of his and stood up. "Well, I **am** sorry, Declan. I'll see you at work, okay?"

"Wait," he insisted, reaching for her hand and pulling her back down to the bench. "Liv, I just don't know. Maybe I wasn't as ready for a relationship as I thought it was. And-it sounds like you have some issues to work out too."

Olivia smiled grimly. "Ya think?" They both laughed. It felt good after the tension of the past few days.

"What are you going to do about this baby business?" asked Declan gently.

"I don't know." Now it was Olivia's turn to stare off into the distance.

"Have you considered artificial insemination?" he asked. "I tried to talk Cheryl into that, then at least the baby would be biologically hers, but she didn't want anything to do with it."

"I've thought about it," Said Olivia, "But I don't know if I can do it either. You know my history, Dec. The thought of my child not knowing who their father was either is just too freaky for me. That's why I did what I did—I knew you were a good man and would be good father material."

Declan shook his head. "Well, thanks for that anyway." His smile was sad. "I wish I could help you, Liv."


	7. Chapter 7

**_Implications_**

"How did your talk with Declan go?" Elliot asked Olivia the next morning. They were on their way to the scene of a homicide with "possible sexual overtones". Cragen had instructed them to go see if SVU needed to be involved, as the unis on the scene weren't quite sure what had happened.

Olivia shrugged. "It was…okay. He took it better than I would have, if the situation were reversed."

"Think you'll start seeing each other again?"

Olivia turned to look at him, that sad look back in her deep brown eyes. "Doubtful."

Elliot reached over and squeezed her upper arm in a reassuring gesture. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Yeah, me too. I really know how to fuck things up, don't I?"

* * *

"How's Olivia doing?" Kathy asked Elliot when he got home that night. He'd missed dinner because the case with "possible sexual overtones" had turned out to be one that definitely belonged to their unit.

Kathy had kept a plate waiting for him and now sat with him at the table while he wolfed it down.

"She's ok, but she seems…sad," he said, reaching for another piece of bread. Kathy slid the butter dish over to him. "She talked to Declan yesterday."

"Really? How did that go?" Kathy paused in the act of dishing him up another helping of chicken cacciatore.

Elliot shrugged. "She said she didn't think she'd be seeing him again. She didn't go into a lot of detail."

Kathy sighed. "Poor Liv. I think I'll give her a call tomorrow and see if she we can get together."

"Good idea—if we wrap this case up, I'll do something with the kids so you two can go out to dinner or something." He took another forkful of food. " Hey, this is great, Kath. I'm sorry I didn't make it home for dinner with the kids."

"They understood, they know you'd be here if you could. El, "she began and hesitated, not sure if she how or if she should proceed. His mouth full, he raised his eyebrows in question.

"I know you said you didn't want to talk about it again," she began. He groaned. "But you know, I was thinking, maybe the Church is wrong on this one." Kathy hadn't been able to stop thinking about the idea of sperm donation since her talk with Olivia. It tore her up inside, to think of sharing something so intimate as her husband's seed with someone outside their marriage, but it also upset her to think about Olivia alone and unhappy for the rest of her life. And Elliot could be so…stubborn sometimes. He saw everything in life just like the law, in shades of black and white, with no gray areas. She just wanted him to give the idea serious thought before he dismissed it outright.

"It's not just the Church, Kath," he said, looking at her with a pained expression. "There's a reason why people do this anonymously. How could I father a baby and then just forget about it? What would we tell our kids? What if the Department found out? I can just see IAB having a field day with something like this."

"So, you _**have**_ been thinking about it?" She asked in surprise. He nodded. "I know it's not a simple matter, Elliot, but I'm sure all of those issues could be worked out.

Elliot pushed his plate away and looked at his wife. "I can't believe you, of all people, are pushing this, Kathy."

"What do you mean?" She asked, her blue eyes flashing. "What, because I used to be jealous of Olivia, I can't want her to be happy now?"

"Yes! How can you go from one extreme to the other?"

Kathy looked at him. He saw the anger fade from her expression, to be replaced by something tenderer, more loving. She reached out her hand and stroked the side of his face.

"Because _**we **_changed, El. We've been through hell and back and if we survived that, we can survive anything, even something like this. We've been blessed with so much. I just want to give something back."

"You mean you want _**me**_ to give something." He snapped. "Kathy, I just don't think I could do it, for lots of reasons. It's like I'd be crossing a line that I've avoided my entire life."

She tipped her head to look at him, puzzled. "You think donating your sperm would be the same as being unfaithful?"

"Isn't it?" He looked at her, his face open and so vulnerable, so unlike the strong Elliot that the rest of the world saw. She stood and moved over to his chair, pushed his arms aside and sat in his lap, facing him. She took his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. He sighed, and leaned forward to touch his forehead to hers, wrapping his arms around her thin waist. She weighed so little; sometimes he wondered where she got her strength, why all of the events of the past few years hadn't just blown her away.

"No, I don't think so, babe. I don't think it would be. But I don't want you to do anything that you do want to do. Forget I brought it up again, okay?"

He nodded, and pulled her in close, running his hand up and down her back under her shirt. They sat, holding each other, until Dick thundered down the stairs for a snack before bed. "Oh gross, are you two at it _**again**_?" He went to the refrigerator and threw the door open to rummage inside. "We don't need any more _**babies**_ around here!"

"Maybe not in _**this**_ particular household," Elliot murmured into Kathy's ear, keeping his voice low enough so that his son didn't hear the words. Despite herself, Kathy laughed out loud. She loved her husband's warped sense of humor.

"What?" Dick turned and looked at them suspiciously, which made them both laugh even harder. He glowered at them. "I am _**not **_changing any more diapers!"


	8. Chapter 8

**_A/N: I hope this chapter doesn't read too much like a Public Service Announcement or an essay, but I really wanted to know what I was talking about when it came to the issues surrounding sperm donation for the offspring of such conceptions. It was an eye-opening experience, so I wanted to share some of the things I learned. The next chapters will be more dramatic, I promise!_**

_**Research**_

While the Stablers were discussing her future over dinner, Olivia was out doing research. She'd followed up on Kathy's suggestion to find a support group, but instead of one for parents thinking of artificial insemination, she found one for children of sperm donors. It was hard to believe that AI had been in use long enough for there to be adult children conceived by this method, but there were thousands. Olivia had contacted the group leader in advance and told her why she wanted to come to a meeting. Alicia Randall ran the NYC chapter of the Donor Conception Support Group, an organization that had begun in Australia. Randall told her that it would be up to the group if they wanted to talk to Olivia, but she was welcome to come to a meeting. They met in a room at the Vanderbilt YMCA on 47th Street. Olivia arrived a few minutes early to meet Randall in person and go over the group guidelines.

"Like any other support group, everything that's said here is confidential." Explained Randall, an attractive woman in her forties. "This particular group has about 20 members, ranging in age from 15-25-about ten show up on any given night."

Olivia nodded, glancing over the literature Randall had given her about the group. Although conducting interviews was part of what she did for a living, she was very nervous about this meeting. She wasn't sure what she hoped to get out of this experience, but felt compelled to hear this perspective. She'd read plenty about the how's and whys that parents faced; she needed to know how it felt to be the end result of this process.

"I have to admit, I don't get many people inquiring about the donor child's experience," said Randall. She started arranging the chairs in the room into a circle. "You're going to find a wide variety of feelings on the subject, so be prepared. You can sit next to me, and after the group gets started, I'll introduce you. Everything here is on a first name only basis."

"I appreciate you letting me sit in," Olivia told her, helping her with the chairs. "And I totally understand the need for confidentiality."

People began to enter the room and Randall greeted each person warmly as they filed in and took seats. Olivia got more than a few curious looks—she imagined they were wondering who she was, since she was too old to be a likely new member of the group. By the designated start time, there were a dozen seated in the circle.

"Let's begin with introducing ourselves, first names only," suggested Randall. "I see a few people who haven't been here in a while—welcome back! You all know me, and this is Olivia, who will be sitting in on our meeting tonight."

When the group had hastily tossed out names—some mumbled so quickly Olivia didn't catch them, Randall asked if anyone had a pressing issue they'd like to begin with. Everyone looked around the circle at each other and shook their heads.

"Well, then let me tell you about Olivia." That caught their interest. Every single member, from the teenager with blue streaks in his blond hair to the Buddy Holly lookalike with black rimmed glasses, sat up and looked eager. "Olivia is here tonight because she is thinking of conceiving a child using donor sperm. But she has concerns about how this will impact her child, so she'd like to get some feedback from people who know about that."

Most of the group were nodding and smiling. Buddy Holly scowled and slid down in his chair, arms folded tightly across his chest.

"I told Olivia it would be up to the group if you wanted to share that kind of information. What do you all think? Is there anyone who would not be comfortable in having Olivia stay for our meeting? "

Again, glances were exchanged. "I think it would be cool," one young woman who'd introduced herself as Sophie said softly. The rest of the group either nodded or shrugged.

"I appreciate this," Olivia said, smiling. "I'm trying to get as much information as I can before I make a decision."

"I wish my mom had done that before she went ahead with it," scowled the boy with the blue hair.

Randall interjected at this point. "Thank you all for agreeing to share with Olivia. I'm sure talking to this group will give her a lot of insight. Why don't we do it this way—let's go around the room and state some of the good things first. If you don't want to say anything, just say "pass". And then we'll do another round where you can share the negatives."

Jordan, the boy with the blue hair, was first. "Well, as all of you keep telling me, if my mom hadn't used a sperm donor, I wouldn't be here right now." Other heads nodded in agreement.

"I know my mom really wanted a baby, so I'm glad she was able to have one," added Sophie next to him. "I hate to think of her being totally alone her whole life."

"Are all of you from single parent families?" Olivia asked, looking around at the group.

"No," said a young man who looked to be the oldest of the group. "My dad was infertile, so my parents decided to go with donor sperm."

"My dad has an extremely rare genetic disorder that's passed down only through males," said another young man who appeared to be in his early twenties. "So my parents didn't want to risk that."

The circle continued with their input. One or two people passed on saying something but the rest contributed along the same lines: their parent/s couldn't conceive on their own and wanted a child that was at least partially biologically theirs. Nothing Olivia had heard so far was a surprise to her; it was the next round she'd come to hear.

"Okay, "said Randall. "Anyone have anything else they want to add before we go on to the other side of the story—the downsides to AI?" Everyone sat up, leaned forward or showed signs of interest, even Buddy Holly straightened out of his slouch.

"It sucks to not know who your real father is," said Jordan, without even being asked to start. "Most kids, even if they don't have both parents, they know who they are. I'll never know who my dad is. My mom went through an agency that made her sign an agreement that she'll never be able to find out."

Sophie nodded eagerly. "I love my mom, but I want to know who my father is. I…" she hesitated, and looked down at the floor before raising her chin defiantly and continuing on. I look at every guy on the street who looks like me and wonder if he could be my dad."

"Yeah," said the girl next to her. "I don't look anything like my mom and I'm tired of jokes about how the mailman must be my father. I'd like just one picture so I can see if I look like him."

No one in the group passed on this round. "I've had four open heart surgeries since I was born," said Buddy Holly, whose name was actually Craig. "The doctor's think it could be a genetic defect, but the sperm donor hadn't listed anything in his history about a heart problems."

"I think my mom was selfish," said one girl. "She says she had me through AI because she wanted a baby that was "genetically connected" to her, but what about me? Don't I have the right to know both of my "genetic connections?"

"Sometimes I feel like I was nothing but a science experiment," confessed a twenty-something male in a very low tone.

"Yes!" said the girl next to him. "My mom brags about how she screened the sperm for a genius father and now I have to live up to that expectation.

"I always wonder about how many other kids are out there, spawned by the same donor." Said one man. "I could have brothers and sisters and not even know about them."

By the end of the evening, Olivia's head was spinning. She thanked everyone profusely for sharing their innermost feelings and stayed behind to help Randall keep up and talk to her. She'd heard lots about inconsistencies in screening procedures, and no uniform policy on donor anonymity.

"Wow, I hadn't even thought about some of those things," she said to Alicia. "That girl who said she felt like a designer baby brought tears to my eyes."

"It's particularly hard for adolescents," said Randall. "They're questioning everything about themselves and rebelling against their parents anyway. They may feel differently by the time they're adults and even parents themselves, the data just isn't there yet. Donor sperm has been used in one form or another for a long time, but it's really only in the last 30 years that it's become prevalent. And only in the last decade that has there been any awareness of the issues involved for the offspring."

"I never knew who my father was until a few years ago," admitted Olivia. "My mother was raped, before abortion was legal. It's haunted me my whole life."

Alicia looked at Olivia with renewed interest. "But you know now?" she asked in surprise.

"Yes, I'm a cop; I ran my DNA through the federal database and came up with a match. But the rapist had already died, so I don't know a whole lot more than his name. I did find out I had a half-brother and we've connected, in a fashion."

"That's more than a most children get," Randall said.

Olivia nodded. "I don't know if it has made things any easier though," she replied.

Randall stepped forward and hugged Olivia, catching her off guard. Olivia found herself tearing up at the feel of the woman's motherly embrace. She'd spent so many years longing for this kind of connection with her own mother, and now that she was dead, there was no chance of ever establishing it. Randall released her and smiled. "Olivia, I wish you luck in whatever you decide. You may have noticed that the one thing I didn't ask the group was if they had a chance to do for a do-over, would they have wanted their parents to go ahead with AI. It doesn't seem helpful to talk about what could have been, only what is. All we can do is deal with the hand life has given us and move on."

Olivia looked at her with wide eyes. Was this her answer, her sign? "Deal with the hand life has given us and move on." Randall's words hit her powerfully.

"Thank you, Alicia. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Just a short and fluffy chapter for a Sunday afternoon. The next one is going to be more involved and may take longer to write, so I thought I'd post this much for now. Enjoy!**_

**_Coffee_**

Elliot sat in his parked car, cell phone in one hand and the piece of paper with the number he'd looked up before he left home in the other. He'd been sitting here for at least five minutes, trying to make up his mind. Finally, with a deep sigh, he tapped the number into his phone.

"Hello, Father Michael, Elliot Stabler here. I was wondering…" Elliot paused and took a breath. _What the hell am I doing?_ "…if I could set up a time to come talk to you. Yes, Kathy and the kids are all fine, I just have an…issue…I'd like to get your perspective on. No, not work-related, not exactly." He waited as the priest flipped through the pages of his appointment book. "This afternoon? Yeah…I think that will work. If I can't get away, I'll call and let you know. Thanks, Father. I'll see you later. " He flipped the phone shut and, closing his eyes, rested his head against the back of the car seat for a minute. This was not going to be an easy conversation, but he liked and felt comfortable with the young priest who'd been at their parish for the past few years. They'd had some interesting discussions in the past and he didn't feel like he could go any further in contemplating this decision about Olivia and sperm donation without reconciling his religious concerns.

He was startled out of his thoughts by a tap on the window next to his head, making him jump and bang his hand on the steering wheel. It was Olivia, peering at him with concern. "You okay?" she asked. He took the keys out of the ignition and opened the door to get out; rubbing the spot where he'd banged his hand.

"I was until you scared the shit out of me," he grumbled in a good natured way.

"I didn't know if you were asleep or passed out," she said. "I was ready to call a bus."

"Just thinking for a minute; getting my head together before I came in." Now Olivia looked really concerned. Elliot was a man of action, thinking about things wasn't his favorite activity.

"Everything okay at home?" She asked, laying a hand on his arm.

"Everything is fine," he said, "but you definitely owe me a cup of decent coffee after almost giving me a heart attack."

Olivia laughed. "Anything to make you stop whining." They walked past the entrance to the precinct to the coffee shop on the corner. Just as they reached the door, Declan walked out, carrying a tray of drinks. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Olivia, but barely seemed to notice Elliot who went ahead through the door to give them some privacy.

"Liv," he said, his voice low and soft. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay, Dec." She pointed to the tray in his hand. "Either you lost a bet or the coffee in narcotics is as bad as the stuff in SVU."

He looked down at the tray and grimaced. "A little of both, actually." They stood there in awkward silence for a minute until Olivia reached for the door handle.

"See you around, Dec, have a nice day." She said, pasting a bright smile on her face. Declan nodded.

"You too, Liv, see you around." Because her back was toward him, she didn't see that he stood there and watched her for a moment before shaking his head and walking briskly away.

Elliot had already placed their orders when she caught up with him. Olivia pulled out money to pay the cashier.

"He's still into you, you know," Elliot said when they were walking back to the station. "I can tell by the way he looks at you, all moony-eyed."

Olivia rolled her eyes and said nothing, but a small smile played at the corners of her mouth.

"He totally wanted to drag you into the alley and do you right there," added Elliot with a straight face.

Olivia stopped walking and whacked him on the arm. "You're a jerk, Stabler!" she exclaimed, but she was laughing in spite of herself. "Your son acts more mature than you do!"

"Which one?" laughed Elliot.

"Both of them!"


	10. Chapter 10

Doctrine

It was Friday and it didn't look like they were going to clear any of their cases before the weekend. It seemed like they spent half of their time waiting for information from other sources: the Medical Examiner, other departments, other agencies. Any hopes Elliot had of postponing his meeting with Father Michael due to work issues were dashed when none of their leads for the day panned out. He poked his head into Cragen's office after lunch.

"Captain, it's pretty quiet right now, would you mind if I take a few hours this afternoon?"

Cragen looked up from his computer screen. "Sure, is everything okay?" he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. Elliot knew he was running budget numbers and from the look on his face, they weren't crunching up the way he needed them to. They'd probably be getting a lecture about no unnecessary overtime in the near future.

"Yeah, just have something I need to take care of," Elliot answered casually. _Oh, if you only knew, Cap. I'm thinking of helping my partner get pregnant, but it won't interfere with our working relationship, no, not at all._

"Might as well get it done while you can then," answered Cragen, returning to his spreadsheet.

Elliot went back to his desk and began to shut down his computer. Olivia looked up from her side of their work station. "Leaving so early?" she asked in surprise.

"Yeah, I got to take care of some stuff," Elliot said vaguely. Olivia didn't bother pushing him for more information; she knew him well enough to realize that if he didn't volunteer it, he didn't want to share. "Tell Kathy I'm still on for lunch tomorrow," she said, smiling. "I'm looking forward to it."

"I will," he promised, heading toward the door. "See you on Monday."

* * *

As he drove back to Queens, Elliot tried to rehearse in his head how he would explain his dilemma to the priest. No matter how he ran the dialogue in his head, it sounded bizarre—and not the most comfortable conversation to have with a man who had taken a vow of celibacy. He pulled into the parking lot of the rectory without having come up with a definite plan. Good thing he was used to winging it.

He walked up the front steps to the stately brick house adjacent to the church, feeling like an errant altar boy reporting for punishment. The Catholic Church was so much more relaxed than when he was a kid, but he still found it hard not to fall into the attitude of reverence he'd been taught . Father Mike was in his thirties, drove a motorcycle and had done a lot to make the clergy seem more approachable to Elliot. It wasn't that he didn't like Father Shanahan, the head priest who had baptized all of the Stabler children, but he felt more comfortable with Father Mike. Knowing that the younger priest had taken over all of the counseling aspects of the parish was what had given Elliot the idea to come talk to him. He could absolutely _**not**_ imagine having this conversation with Father Shanahan.

He rang the bell and heard footsteps on the wooden floor of the foyer inside. He and Kathy had come here less than a year ago to make arrangements for Eli's christening. He expected the elderly housekeeper to answer the door, but it was the young priest himself.

"Elliot," he greeted him warmly. "Come in, please." He held the door and pointed toward his open office on the right side of the wide hallway. Elliot walked into the room and waited until the priest joined him, shutting the door and pointing toward a Mission Oak table with comfortable upholstered chairs around it. On the table was a tray with a carafe of coffee. The two men sat down. Elliot automatically unbuttoned his cuffs and started rolling up his sleeves, the way he always did when he was ready to get down to work. He realized what he was doing and stopped, mid-sleeve and sheepishly started to roll it back. Father Mike noticed what he was doing and chuckled.

"Go ahead, get comfortable," he instructed. He reached for the tray and two coffee mugs. "Can I pour you a cup?"

Elliot nodded and accepted the mug of steaming beverage. It smelled great and as intended by the intuitive priest, helped him feel more relaxed to have something in his hands.

"What brings you here today, Elliot?" asked Father Mike, taking a sip from his own mug.

Elliot sighed and set the cup down on the table. "I'm in an awkward position, Father. I want to help a good friend, but what she needs is something that I think goes against the beliefs of the Church."

"Go on," the priest encouraged, his expression neutral.

"Tell me more about the church's stand on artificial insemination."

The neutral expression was briefly disturbed by a flicker of surprise that flashed across Father Mike's face. He set his own mug down on the table and leaned forward.

"Well, it's quite simple, really. The Church believes that conception is something that should only happen as a result of intercourse between a married couple. "

"So, what happens to couples who can't conceive?" asked Elliot.

"The Church believes that God determines who conceives and that it's wrong for man to interfere. Some procedures are considered acceptable—like taking medicines to increase fertility, but anything that artificially creates a life—artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization—are a violation of human dignity and Divine Law."

"I've read that some people don't always go through a clinic, that sperm donation can be handled…privately," Elliot went on, choosing his words carefully. "Would that make a difference?"

Father Mike nodded his understanding. "No, it would still be considered against Church doctrine. The only acceptable process is natural insemination, when a man and a woman are…physically together when the sperm is… passed."

Elliot sighed. The priest's browed wrinkled. "Can you tell me specifically what your situation is, Elliot?"

Elliot leaned forward in his seat. "My partner, Olivia-I think you met her at Eli's christening…is single, forty and not in a committed relationship, but she really wants a baby before she's too old to have one of her own. "

"Is she Catholic?" the priest asked, clearly puzzled at Elliot's role in this situation.

"No, she's not. She's not religious at all."

"So, if she doesn't have religious beliefs that prohibit it, she could use an anonymous sperm donation. "

Elliot sighed again. "That's the problem. She has reasons for not wanting an anonymous donor. She would only be comfortable with using the sperm of someone she knows and trusts."

"What about adoption?"

"She's already been turned down for adoption, because of the job, and her lack of family supports." Explained Elliot.

"I'm confused here, Elliot," said the priest. "Where do you fit into all of this?"

Elliot looked at him and raised his hands in the air in a gesture of helplessness. "It's been…suggested…that I be the one to donate sperm."

"Olivia asked you to do this?"

"No, not Olivia….it was Kathy's idea."

"Your wife suggested that you donate sperm so your partner can become pregnant?" he asked, clearly incredulous at the thought.

"I know it sounds crazy….Kathy and Olivia are good friends. Olivia is like family to us. Kathy wants her to be happy and she knows that Olivia trusts me."

"How do you feel about all of this, Elliot?" asked the priest gently.

"I don't know. Next to Kathy and the kids, Olivia is the most important person in my life. I love her and I want her to be happy. She'd make a great mom. I understand her reasons for not wanting an anonymous donor and I think it sucks that she wasn't approved for adoption. But…" again, he made the helpless gesture. "…I don't want to go against the teachings of the Church and the whole thing feels…I don't know….like…adultery."

The young priest looked clearly flustered. He rubbed his hand over his face. "This _**is**_ an unusual situation, Elliot. But the Church is clear on the subject of artificial insemination."

"I was hoping there'd be some way around it, "Elliot admitted. "You know, if we didn't do it through a clinic, if there were no test tubes involved…"

"It has to be a natural insemination." The priest said quietly.

Elliot looked startled. "So, I'd have to actually….sleep with Olivia, not just give her my sperm?"

"Then it becomes adultery. So either way, it's wrong in the eyes of the church."

"Even if it's something my wife wanted me to do?"

Father Mike's eyes widened. "Your wife wants you to sleep with your partner?"

"No, of course not…I mean, we haven't discussed the logistics. I'm just trying to get a grasp on what the Church's position would be so we can make a decision one way or the other."

The priest was quiet for a few minutes. "You know, I took a course in the seminary that dealt specifically with the Church & Contraception. It's not a simple subject and I'll be the first to admit that Church teachings aren't in line with modern morality and practices." He paused for a minute. "Can you tell me more about Olivia, about why she isn't comfortable with an anonymous donor.? Anything you tell me about her will be kept in confidence, of course."

Elliot filled him in on Olivia's background, her mother's rape and alcoholism, Liv's search for her father, and meeting her brother and why she didn't want her own child to grow up not sure of its' parentage.

Father Mike nodded slowly. "I can understand her position then. Are there no other men she could ask to be a donor?"

Elliot shrugged. "She hasn't had the greatest track record with men. Trust isn't easy for her. She—she trusts me. We've had each other's backs for years, we're close, she knows me. And Father…." Elliot's voice got husky as he continued. "Olivia is a good person. She deserves to be a mother. How can I just accept that God doesn't want her to be a mother? What kind of God would do that?"

Father Mike leaned forward and spoke slowly, working out what he wanted to say as he went. "Elliot, I can hear in your voice that you care deeply for this woman, and that she is indeed, part of your family. What I'm about to say is coming from me as a man whose known you and your family for awhile, not just as a priest. You wouldn't hear this from an older, more traditional priest."

Elliot looked at him, not quite sure what to expect. The priest went on. "You're a good man, Elliot with good instincts. You've been a good Catholic. You've been a loving husband and father, and it sounds like, a good partner and friend to Olivia. I think, in this situation, you need to decide what's right for you and your family and your friend. Consider all aspects. The Church—the teachings of the Church are a guideline that we try to follow as Catholics. Only you can know what's best for you and your loved ones."

Elliot blinked away hot tears that came out of nowhere. It seemed that he was more often criticized for what he did wrong and to be praised by a man of God was a bit overwhelming.

"Thank you, Father," he said hoarsely. "You've given me a lot to think about." He stood, and turned to the priest once more. "Tell me, Father, what would the Church say about a child born from donor sperm?"

The priest put his hand on Elliot's shoulder. "All children belong to God, Elliot. The Church would never judge a child for the way it was brought into this world. All life is holy and to be cherished."

Elliot nodded, and turned toward the door, still feeling emotional. The priest escorted him back out to the front doorway. "Elliot, call me anytime if you want to talk about this more. I'd like to know what you decide." He hesitated, and went on. "I hope I've been some help."

"You have, Father," Elliot assured him. "You have."


	11. Chapter 11

Contemplation

Kathy was surprised when Elliot's car pulled in the driveway at four-thirty that afternoon. She was out in the yard, planting flowers along the sidewalk while Eli played with his toy cars on the grass next to her. She sat back on her heels and waited for him to walk over. He looked tired; his eyes were red as if he hadn't slept well—which was odd, because he had commented that morning about how soundly he'd slept the night before. She wondered if he was developing allergies.

"You're home early—everything okay?" she asked, squinting up at him. The sun was at his back and it was hard to see his face now.

"Yeah, fine." He replied, bending down to pick up his son. "Da!" said Eli happily, waving one of his cars in his father's face. Elliot drew back to avoid a near collision with his nose. "Easy, little man! " He looked down at Kathy. "It was quiet at work, so I cut out early. What time is dinner? Do I have time for a run? I can take this troublemaker with me." He tickled Eli under his chin, a sensitive spot that never failed to throw him into giggles.

"Well, the twins are at a pizza party until eight. I thought maybe we could take this guy and go check out the new Thai restaurant near the shopping center."

"Do I like Thai?" Elliot asked suspiciously. Kathy stood up and brushed the dirt off the knees of her jeans.

"You won't know unless you try it," she laughed. "Live dangerously for a change. There's more to life than steak and hamburgers."

"If you say so," he said doubtfully.

"You've got plenty of time for a run," Kathy said. "I'll finish up here and get in the shower, and then I'll take him so you can shower."

"What, I have to shower too?" Elliot fake-groaned. He bent to give Kathy a quick kiss before heading into the house to change and put Eli in his jogging stroller. The little boy loved going along for runs with his father; the faster Elliot ran, the happier he was. It allowed them to spend time together and gave Kathy a much needed break.

* * *

Elliot held the stroller with one hand and ran. Whenever he brought Eli along, he always did the route around the neighborhood park that had a paved trail just for jogging strollers. It made him feel like a suburban soccer dad, but it was safer than running in the street or along the bumpy sidewalk with the baby on board. And today, he really needed the stress relief that came from a vigorous run. The talk with Father Michael had left him feeling confused and anxious. The priest had been clear that there was no clear way to help Olivia out without being in violation of Church doctrine, but then he'd thrown in the ambiguous bit at the end about doing what was right for his family. What _**was**_ the right thing? He wanted Olivia to be happy, but not at the expense of everyone else around him. He and Kathy were in such a good place right now and he didn't want to do anything that put that in jeopardy. Yet, Kathy was the one pushing him to think about this in the first place.

And Olivia…if anyone deserved a chance at happiness, it was her. She'd had a shitty childhood and had no family to speak of, unless you counted her half-brother by her rapist father, which Elliot didn't. He had no doubt that she would be an amazing mother, but could he really father a child, naturally OR artificially, and walk away to allow someone else to raise it? Because that was exactly what he would have to do. Even if they conceived this child together, this child would be Liv's, to raise however she pleased, with whomever she ended up with in life. He didn't know how he felt about that. The five children he and Kathy had were more than enough for him, but would he be able to distance himself from this child, knowing that it was part of him?

Eli was babbling loudly in the stroller, trying to get his attention. Elliot tore himself away from his thoughts long enough to realize that they'd reach the portion of the path that bordered on a small pond, and Eli wanted to stop and see the ducks. This was part of their routine. Elliot slowed down and bent over his son. "You want to see the ducks, little man?" Eli clapped his hands together, delighted that he'd finally gotten through to his father. Elliot pushed the stroller over to a bench by the water. The ducks, accustomed to being fed, started swimming toward them. Eli shrieked with delight, scaring them off momentarily, but they returned in full force when they saw Elliot rummaging in the bag that hung from the back of the stroller. He produced some stale crackers and tossed the pieces out on the water. Eli fell quiet, mesmerized by the sight of the birds so close to his stroller. Elliot threw the remaining crumbs in a trail that led to the edge of the water so they'd be even closer. Eli's eyes grew wide as they came out of the water and up near the stroller and he turned to look at his father as if for assurance. Elliot laughed. "They won't hurt you. You want to feed them? " He handed his son a piece of cracker and the little boy threw it on the ground next to the stroller. When a particular daring bird darted up to grab it, he gurgled with delight again and scared them all back into the water again.

Elliot loved being reminded of the small pleasures in the world as seen through the eyes of a child. How could he deny Olivia the chance for the same experiences?

* * *

Later that night

Kathy was watching television with the twins when she realized that Elliot had taken Eli up to bed almost an hour ago and still hadn't returned. She smiled, thinking he'd probably fallen asleep rocking him. He _had _looked tired and was somewhat subdued at dinner at the Thai place (which he had deemed "not bad") and she wondered if he was coming down with something.

She went upstairs to check and found him in Eli's room, standing over the crib where their son lay, sound asleep. Elliot stood staring down at him, with a look she couldn't read on his face. Walking over to his side, she slipped an arm around his waist and followed his gaze. Eli was on his side, his mouth slightly parted, his long eyelashes dark against his perfect cheeks. He clutched the stuffed dog he refused to go to sleep without in one chubby hand. _Is there anything more peaceful than a sleeping baby? _

"Did you have a hard time getting him to sleep?" she whispered. Elliot shook his head.

"No, I've been thinking," he said softly. "About Olivia, and how unfair it is that we've been blessed with so many perfect children and she can't even find a way to have one." He took his wife's hand and led her out of the room, pulling the door closed behind them. He continued on into their bedroom and over to their bed.

"The twins are still up," she laughed. Elliot stretched out on the bed and patted the spot next to him.

"Come here," he said. "I just want to talk—for now, anyway." He grinned up at her. She sat down on the bed next to him and waited.

"I went to talk to Father Michael this afternoon," he told her. Her eyes widened. He told her about his conversation with the priest and the advice he'd given him.

"Wow. Not much room for interpretation is there?" she commented when he was finished. He shook his head.

"Nope, it's wrong any way you look at it. It's against Divine Law to create a baby by artificial means and breaking a commandment to do it by natural means." Elliot sighed and folder his arms behind his head.

Kathy looked at him, an odd expression on her face. "By natural means? It almost sounds….like you were….thinking about…_**sleeping **_with her?"

Elliot raised himself up on his elbows and looked at her in surprise. "I wasn't _**thinking**_ anything, Kathy! You're the one who brought up this subject in the first place. I was just trying to understand the Church's position, to see if there was any way around it. There isn't."

Kathy's expression softened. "I know, babe. " She leaned in and kissed him, hard on the lips. "I'm sorry." She kissed the side of his mouth, his chin, the tip of his nose." He sighed and lay back against the pillows with his eyes closed, which gave her clear access to his neck. When she started nuzzling it, he groaned and reached over to pull her across his body and down next to him on the bed. He rolled to his side and began to kiss her.

"Good nigh…oh, gross!" Said Lizzie from the hall. "Can't you guys even close the door? You know, _privacy_?" She reached for their door and closed it emphatically behind her. They heard her call down the stairs to her brother: "Don't bother saying goodnight to mom and dad, they're GETTING BUSY."

Kathy buried her face into Elliot's shoulder to stifle her laughter.

"Those two need an earlier bedtime," Elliot grumbled.

"I know!" Kathy laughed. "When did we get so old that our kids stay up later than we do?"

"Well, at least we're not too old to 'get busy'." Elliot grinned and reached for his wife again. He pulled her so that she lay half across his broad chest and kissed her softly while running his hand up the back of her shirt and deftly unhooking her bra. Kathy laughed. "Smooth move. But should we wait until they've actually gone to bed?"

"Nah," said Elliot, slipping his hand around to cup a breast. He flicked his thumb lightly across her nipple, eliciting a sigh of pleasure. "They're not gonna come anywhere near this room now."


	12. Chapter 12

Pivotal

Olivia arrived at the restaurant early and waited at a table by the window for Kathy to arrive. She ordered an iced tea and sat, stirring it absently with a straw while thinking about the events of the past week. It would be nice to rehash with Kathy; she always seemed to have good insights that helped Olivia gain much needed perspective. People sometimes looked down on stay-at-home-moms for being removed from the realities of the world but Olivia found just the opposite to be true. Maybe being with children all day helped a person realize what was truly important in life. Whatever the reason, she valued Kathy's opinions—and friendship. It had been a long time since Olivia had had a close female friend; over the years she had lost touch with her college buddies. On the job, she was surrounded by men and their testosterone-fueled ideas. It was nice to have a woman to confide in.

She was startled out of her reverie by the waitress showing Kathy to the table.

"You looked about a million miles away," Kathy laughed as she took the seat across from her.

Olivia smiled back at her. "Yeah, I guess I was."

Kathy looked around at the restaurant, a recently opened organic vegetarian bistro that Olivia had chosen. It was comfortably decorated with simple wooden furniture, old-fashioned looking floral tablecloths and lots of plants. Quilted wall hangings decorated the walls. "This place is great; I'd never get Elliot to come somewhere like this."

"No, you wouldn't." Olivia agreed, being equally familiar with Elliot's food preferences. "Try suggesting sushi for lunch and see what kind of reaction you get."

"I did get him to try a Thai restaurant last night," Kathy told her. "He said it was 'not bad' but he wouldn't want to eat it very often." She rolled her eyes.

There were no menus in the restaurant; the daily specials were written on a big blackboard on the wall. The top of the board announced that all dishes were prepared using only locally grown ingredients from certified organic farms.

"How 'locally grown' can the food be in the middle of Manhattan?" asked Kathy, reading over the list of offerings.

Olivia laughed. "I guess by local they mean Long Island or Westchester."

They placed their orders with the waitress, who was back within minutes with their selections: carrot-ginger soup and a salad of mixed field greens with goat cheese, walnuts and fresh strawberries for both of them. She brought them a loaf of freshly baked honey-wheat bread. While they ate, Kathy filled Olivia in on her coursework. She was planning to take three courses during the summer session, counting on the twins being able to help out with Eli for a few hours a day when they were out of school.

"Dickie, of course, thinks his sister should do all of the babysitting," Kathy laughed. "He plans to be so busy with baseball and summer soccer that he doesn't think he should have to help. But you know, of the two of them, he's the one who's good with little ones. Eli adores him."

"You can always ask me to watch him if the twins can't," Olivia reminded her. "I love hanging out with your kids." As soon as she said it, a perceptible shadow crossed her face, as if the statement had reminded her of something painful. Kathy noticed and changed the subject, filing it away for future probing.

"So, how are things going with you?" She asked. "Have you talked to Dec at all?"

"No," Olivia sighed and pushed the salad around on the plate with her fork. "When I run into him at the station, it's very awkward. He's nice enough, but I don't think either of us knows what to say to each other."

"Maybe you both just need some time," Kathy suggested.

"Or maybe I just blew another relationship," said Olivia bluntly, looking at Kathy with a grim expression on her face. "I'm beginning to think I'm meant to be alone."

"Oh, honey, that's not true," said Kathy. It hurt to see her friend looking so down. "Dec's a great guy. Maybe he'll come around, and if he doesn't, then he wasn't the guy for you. You're an amazing woman, Liv, and you just need to find a guy who cans….handle all of your awesomeness, that's all."

Olivia laughed in spite of herself. "All of my awesomeness? Don't you mean all of my baggage? A job that keeps me busy around the clock for days at a time, a ticking biological clock and don't forget my issues with trust and relationships….I'm a real package, for sure."

Kathy laughed. "Well, when you put it that way…."

The waitress came to see if they wanted to order dessert. When she recited the options, Kathy and Olivia exchanged glances. "I'm really full right now, but those sound fantastic," said Olivia. "What if we get two to go and walk down to the park to eat them? It's too nice a day to sit inside anyway."

"Sounds good," Kathy replied. They placed their order and waited for the waitress to return with the check and a take-out bag.

* * *

It was a beautiful June day. They walked the 10 blocks to the Grand Army entrance of Central Park and made their way to a bench by the pond. Olivia opened the brown paper bag and handed out Kathy her dessert, a piece of chocolate torte made out of organic, Fair Trade cocoa beans and unwrapped her own slice of carrot cake. The desserts cost almost as much as their meals, so they savored them in silence, soaking up the warm sunshine and watching people as they walked their dogs and children around the pond.

"I took you up on your suggestion and found a support group," Olivia said after she finished her last bite and rolled up the paper in which it had been wrapped.

"Really? That's great-how was it? Did it help?"

"It was…informative. I didn't go to one for parents; I found one for the children conceived from donor sperm." Olivia went on to relate all of the things she'd heard at the DCS group, including Randall's advice at the end to "deal with the hand life has given us and move on". "So," she finished up, a catch in her voice. "I think maybe that was the sign I've been waiting for. Maybe, instead of trying to make this happen, I need to just accept that I'm not supposed to have a child. Maybe I _am_ meant to be alone, Kathy. I've been alone for so long, maybe I just need to accept that's how it's supposed to be." As she spoke, tears began to work their way down her cheeks. She brushed them away.

"Oh, sweetie," Kathy said softly, and pulled her friend close for a gentle hug. Liv began sobbing in earnest then, burying her face in Kathy's shoulder. Kathy held her and let her cry, and when she finally pulled away and sat up, passed her a napkin. Seeing Olivia's pain melted a piece of her heart and made her even more determined to find a way to help her. She had spent so many years resenting Liv for no good reason other than her own lack of confidence. Now that was all behind them. Olivia had proven, over and over, what a good friend she was to both her and Elliot, from being there for her on the that chaotic day when Eli was born to all of the things she did for their family now. She'd had her husband's back for years. Kathy wanted, more than anything, to make up for the past and help Liv find happiness.

"I'm sorry," Liv sniffed. "I'm not usually such a baby." Hearing her own choice of words started her crying again.

"Olivia, I don't want to be insensitive…but I think you're giving up too easily." Said Kathy gently.

"Too easily!" The tears were replaced with a flash of anger. "How can you say that? I've done everything, I've tried everything. I looked into adoption. Hell, I even tried to get a guy to knock me up without his consent. What else can I do?"

"Donor insemination."

"Kathy, I told you, I just can't do that. I can't bear the thought of having a stranger father my child. I wish I could, but I can't do it. Not to myself, and not to the child, especially not after hearing all of those people talk in the support group. I can't do it."

"So, you don't use a stranger's sperm." Kathy looked at her, her gaze steady. _Am I really doing this? What am I saying?_

Olivia threw her hands in the air. "What am I supposed to do? We've already talked about this, there isn't anyone."

"You're right, we did talk about it. And there is someone-Elliot." Said Kathy. Her voice was calm but her heart was pounding so hard she was sure people three feet away could hear it.

"Elliot?" Olivia looked at her, incredulous. "Kathy, I wasn't serious when I said that before…"

"But I am. It makes perfect sense. You know him, you trust him."

"But he's _your husband_! And _my partner_! This would cross all kinds of lines. And…" Olivia looked at Kathy, her dark eyes wild. "You can't believe that Elliot would agree to something like this."

"Not yet, but he's close." Kathy told her. Olivia's eyes widened in disbelief.

"You've _talked_ to him about this?" she asked in horror. She jumped up from the bench and stood in front of Kathy, her fists clenched. "My god, Kathy, how _could_ you?"

"Liv… I told him because we both love you and were worried about you. I never told him that you brought up his name. **I** raised the subject and asked if he would consider it. We've talked about it a few times and he's even gone as far as taking to our priest about it."

Olivia sad back down, shaking her head. "You can't tell me that Elliot would even consider this. I know the Catholic Church doesn't approve, and I know how Elliot feels. We argued constantly during that case where the frozen embryos were stolen. He thinks it's wrong to go against nature to conceive a child."

"I know he does," said Kathy. "But I think there's a way around that."

Olivia stared at her in disbelief. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Hear me out. And keep an open mind, okay?"


	13. Chapter 13

**_A/N: As a token nod to my "muse", Munchkin_79 who has instigated...I mean, encouraged the direction this story has taken, I've written her screen name into the story. Thanks for listening to all of my far-fetched ideas and helping me figure it all out._**

_**Embark**_

_Six weeks later_

"Richard! Elizabeth!" Kathy called from the foot of the stairs. "Come on, we've got to get going! We have a five hour drive ahead of us." She picked up the bag of snacks and headed out to the driveway, where Elliot was chasing Eli around, trying to tire him out before the long car ride.

Lizzie came out of the house with headphones around her neck, lugging a duffle bag, a backpack, her purse and a pillow. Elliot rushed over to help her.

"Whoa! You're only going for a few days," he laughed, sliding the duffle bag off her shoulder and carrying to the back of the van. "Do you really need this much stuff?"

She rolled her eyes at him, reminding him so much of Kathleen at that age he had to stifle a laugh.

"I wish you were going with us, Dad," she said, coming over to give him a hug. He held her close and hugged her hard enough to make her gasp.

"I know, sweetie," he said. He kissed her on the forehead. "You be sure to help your mother out, ok? It's a long drive and you two are going to have to help with Eli so she can concentrate on the road."

"Don't give your dad a hard time; he has important stuff he's got to take care of here," Kathy said, coming up behind them. She slipped her arm around Elliot's waist. "You know he'd come if he could."

"I know," sighed Lizzie, and went to claim the front seat of the van before her brother came out. Eli was busy chasing the neighbor's cat around the yard. His parents stood and watched as he repeatedly walked up to the cat, who would sit and wait for him, only to run off when he got within reach. Instead of getting frustrated, Eli giggled happily each time it happened and renewed his efforts.

"You're sure about this?" Elliot said to his wife, turning to face her. His blue eyes searched hers for signs of doubt.

"Yes," she replied firmly. "I'm sure." Actually, she was anything _but_ sure, but she wa_s_ determined to go through with their plan. They'd hashed out all of the details over the last six weeks until everyone was in agreement. She could live with what they'd decided, but she knew herself well enough to know she needed to be far away and distracted when it actually happened. Now that it was coming right down to it, it was even harder than she'd imagined, and she had spent plenty of time doing just that.

Elliot pulled her close, crushing her in a hug tighter than the one he'd given his daughter a few minutes earlier. "You're amazing," he whispered into her ear. "I love you so much." She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his neck, memorizing his scent, his strong touch, his love so that it would carry her through the weekend. He did the same, pressing his cheek against her soft hair.

"Um, gross!" said Dick, walking by them on the way to the car. "It's only a weekend, you two. Get a grip." When he saw that Lizzie was already in the front seat, he started complaining. "What, I have to sit with the munchkin? That's not fair!"

They ignored him, holding their embrace until Kathy finally pulled away. "I love you too," she told him. "I'm proud of you, Elliot. This is a good thing you're doing." Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, but they were from pride, not sadness.

"What _we're_ doing," Elliot reminded her.

"Okay, what we're doing," she agreed. "Just…." She hesitated for a second and then gave him a wry smile. "Just don't enjoy it too much, okay?"

Elliot smiled back at her, but his smile was wistful. "I promise." He reached out to brush a stray hair from her cheek. She could see the emotion on his face and realized that she needed to leave now, before it got any harder.

"Will you capture that munchkin?" she asked, moving toward the house. "I'm just going to use the bathroom one last time."

When she came out, composed and ready to go, Elliot had the baby strapped into his car seat in the back next to his brother, who'd been assured that Lizzie would be made to switch places with him halfway through the trip. He was checking to see that all of their bags were secure and the snack and drink cooler was within reach.

"I'll text you to let you know we get there okay," she told him, out of earshot of the kids. "But I'm not going to call; it will be too awkward. I'll tell the kids you're busy at work and can't talk."

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He bent forward and kissed her on the forehead, on her cheek and last, on her lips, a long, soft kiss that said more than the words he couldn't produce at that moment. She smiled up at him, patted his cheek and got in the car.

Elliot stood in the driveway long after they'd disappeared from sight. After almost two months of talking about it, the moment was here, it was really going to happen. _What the hell have I gotten myself into here?_

He sighed, and turned toward the garage. He was going to mow the lawn, take a long shower, go to the store and buy a lot of beer—and then he was going to drive into Manhattan to Olivia's apartment, where they would spend the weekend trying to make a baby while his wife and children were visiting her sister upstate.

* * *

It was late evening when Elliot came out of the Midtown tunnel into Manhattan. The sun was low on the horizon and the temperature was mild for early August in New York City. He drove with the windows down and the radio playing. As he got closer to Olivia's apartment, he fought a growing feeling of anxiety. He reminded himself, for the hundredth time that this was going to be just as awkward for her. They'd survived many tense situations as partners and they'd get through this too. They had to, if all of the planning of the last few weeks wasn't going to be in vain. He rolled his shoulders to release some tension and chuckled to himself. He was on his way to make love to a beautiful woman and he felt like throwing up. What was wrong with this picture?

* * *

Olivia puttered around her apartment, nervously arranging and rearranging anything that could move. _What the hell was she doing_? Elliot had been there many times before and had never cared what the place looked like. She felt a desperate need to keep busy, even though she had gone for a long run earlier in an effort to relieve some of the stress she felt. It had helped for awhile, but now that she was showered and dressed and Elliot had texted that he'd be there shortly, she felt ready to jump out of her skin. She went to the closet and pulled out the vacuum. The carpeting was already immaculate, but she had to do something physical or she would scream.

She was bringing the vacuum back from the bedroom when she heard the door chime. _Damn, that didn't take him very long! _ She left the cleaner in the middle of the room and went to let him in. He stood in the doorway, dressed in khaki shorts and a dark navy t-shirt, a small bag slung over his shoulder and a case of beer under one arm. His expression was unreadable. She stepped aside to let him in.

"You're vacuuming now?" he asked, looking from her to the cleaner in the middle of the room.

She shrugged. "I needed to keep busy." She looked at the case of beer and raised her eyebrows. "What, you need to be drunk in order to do this?" It came out much shriller than she'd intended.

He cast her a scowl and carried the case into the kitchen. Setting the box down on the counter, he opened the refrigerator and started putting bottles inside.

"No, I don't need to be drunk, but I _would _like to relax a little. What's this—you've actually got food in here for a change?" In the refrigerator was a platter of sandwiches and another of cheese and fruit. He also noticed several bottles of wine chilling on their sides and smiled to himself. Evidently he wasn't the only one who felt the need to boost his courage with alcohol.

"Kathy and the kids get off okay?" Olivia asked, coming into the kitchen. She leaned against the counter and watched while he rummaged through her drawers to find a bottle opener. His back toward her, Elliot frowned. This was _not_ going to work if she kept bringing up his family.

"Yes," he said tersely. He found the opener and popped the cap of the single bottle of Smithwick's he'd kept out of the refrigerator. "Would you like me to open a bottle of wine for you?"

She gave him a strange look and then nodded, moving to the cupboard to get a glass.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. "Let's take the food up to the roof and eat." She turned, glass in hand, and looked at him. "And figure out how in the hell we're going to do this without killing each other."


	14. Chapter 14

Pinnacle

They took the food and drinks up to the rooftop garden of Olivia's building. There were several wooden patio tables with comfortable chairs enclosed by a square of raised containers of plants and flowers, subtly highlighted by lights mingled among the foliage. It was a pleasant and relaxing place. Olivia and Elliot picked at the food and talked about the weather, work, and politics- basically, anything except the reason why they were there.

Elliot had been too nervous to eat anything before he left home but the sandwiches that Liv had picked up from the gourmet deli were delicious. As he ate and drank, he felt himself beginning to relax. This was Liv, just Liv. In many ways, he felt that he knew her as well as he knew himself. This was just...an extension of their relationship. He could do this.

He took his beer and went to stand at the chest high wall that surrounded the roof. The view of the city at night was breathtaking. In a minute, Liv joined him and they stood in companionable silence, taking in the sight of twinkling lights over the city that never slept.

"You don't have to do this, you know," said Liv softly from his side. He turned to look at her. His blue eyes were a shade of midnight in the dim light.

"I know," he said, looking back out at the city. "I want to do it, Liv. I just..." he turned back to her. "I need to say this before we do anything. I know we've talked it all out and we're all clear on what's expected, but I have to say this for... me. This—what happens this weekend, it's a one shot thing. It can't ever be anything more. I love you and I want to do this for you, but I won't do anything that puts my family in jeopardy."

"Elliot, I know," Olivia answered. Her dark eyes, full of emotion, met his.

"I've spent my whole life trying to be...a certain kind of man," he told her. "It hasn't always been easy; there have been lots of temptations, and opportunities." He held her gaze as he said: "It hasn't always been easy working with _you_, especially when things were bad at home. You're a beautiful woman, Liv, smart and sexy. But I never wanted to do anything that put us being partners in jeopardy—or hurt our friendship. You mean the world to me and I don't ever want to mess that up. This weekend—it's got to be just that, a weekend. If it doesn't work, then, I'm sorry, but I can't do this again. I won't."

"Elliot." she said simply, reaching out to stroke his cheek. She couldn't believe he was admitting this to her after all of the years they'd been together. She'd always wondered if the attraction she felt for him was totally one-sided, or if the occasional chinks she saw in his family-man armor were something more. Over the years, she'd become an expert at burying her personal feelings about him. It couldn't be more obvious that Elliot loved his wife and was devoted to his family. Attraction or not, there were some things in life that just weren't meant to happen and this was one of them. Like him, she valued their working relationship too much to risk losing it. They were a team.

She realized that if anything was going to happen this weekend, she was going to have to take control of the situation. Elliot was willing but simply too conflicted. If this was going to be her one chance to sleep with the man she'd wanted for years, well, she was going to take full advantage of it.

She stroked his cheek again. He reached up and took her hand and held it there, next to his face. His beautiful eyes searched hers. "Let's go downstairs," she said softly and took him by the hand.

* * *

Back in her apartment, Olivia walked around and extinguished all of the lights, leaving only a small spotlight in the kitchen to give a dim glow over the living areas. Elliot followed her into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. He watched while she lit several candles placed around the room. When the room was lit with a subtle glow, she came to stand in front of him. Holding his gaze with her own, she lifted her t-shirt over her head. She stood for a moment, clad only in a black lace bra and a pair of shorts. Sure that she had his attention, she reached behind her and unclasped the bra, releasing her full breasts. His sharp intake of breath made her smile and when he reached for her, placing both hands on her hips and pulling her close so that he could rest his cheek against her belly, she felt a warm flood between her legs. She closed her eyes as he turned his face to kiss her stomach, his lips warm against the flat surface.

"Your turn," she managed to get out. He chuckled softly, stood and removed his own shirt, baring the broad expanse of chest she'd admired so many times from a distance—working out at the precinct, coming out of the shower in the locker room, in the hospital after he'd been shot. She put her hand on his warm skin, over his heart and felt the steady beat. Again, he pulled her close, and now they were touching everywhere—his strong legs pressed tight against her own, her breasts flattened against the warmth of his chest, forehead against forehead. His eyes were closed. _Now or never, Liv. _

She brought her lips to his, softly at first, then more urgently as he responded, slipping his hand into the hair at the back of her neck to help maintain contact. She could feel the swell of his erection through the fabric of his khaki shorts and pressed her hips even tighter against him, loving the sensation. He was aroused because of her, Olivia. He groaned softly and slipped both hands down to her ass, holding her close. He bent to nuzzle her neck, her collarbone.

Olivia freed her arms to push him back onto the bed. He lay there, watching as she unzipped her shorts and stepped out them, discarding them on the floor along with her panties. She reached for the waistband of his khakis and unbuttoned them, tugging the shorts and his briefs down his hips and legs to join hers on the floor. For a moment, she stood looking at the whole man, the parts she'd only fantasized before. Then she moved to lie on her side next to him on the bed. Still, he didn't move, but only watched with hooded eyes as she slowly stroked her hand down his chest, his abdomen, and finally, over the length of his formidable erection. It didn't surprise her that, even here, Elliot Stabler was larger than life. Kathy was a lucky woman. She mentally shook her head—this wasn't the time to be thinking about her friend.

As she stroked him, enjoying the silky sensation of soft skin over a steel-hard erection, Elliot groaned and turned on his side to reach for her. She slipped her hand to cup his testicles as he found her breasts with his mouth, tonguing each nipple in turn. Now it was her turn to moan and she did, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back so that he had full access to her neck and breasts. She was wetter than she could ever remember being and she was almost embarrassed when he slipped a hand between her legs, palming her center. He didn't seem to mind however, as he slipped first one, and then a second finger into her moist depths.

She needed him inside her, now. She'd been fantasizing about his for years and finally, she was going to take what she wanted. Opening her eyes, she pushed Elliot onto his back. Startled, he opened his own and watched as she positioned herself over him. Realizing what she wanted, he moved his hips so that they were in perfect alignment. She slowly slid down over the whole delicious length of him. They held still for a moment, staring into each others eyes. Elliot's face showed heat and desire—and emotion Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to decipher. She began to move, slowly, up and then down again. Elliot closed his eyes and reached for her shoulders to pull her torso down closer, then slipped one hand between their bodies so he could caress her breast. He put the other on her hip to give himself leverage to push against her. Olivia soon found herself riding the crest of a wave that she never wanted to come down from, but when Elliot, sensing how close she was, slid his hand from her breast to where they were joined and stroked her there, it was all over. The wave peaked and crashed and it was all she could do to breath. Gasping, she looked down at him. He grinned broadly as he flipped her over and plunged into her, over and over. He came with a loud, wordless exclamation of pleasure, which brought her another wave of her own.

They separated and lay back on the bed, each breathing heavily and lost in their own thoughts. When she recovered enough to look over at him, Elliot was laying on his side, watching her.

"Maybe this weekend won't be so bad after all," he said with a grin.


	15. Chapter 15

Saturated

Elliot slowly surfaced from a dream where Eli was crying and he couldn't get to him. He sat bolt upright, realizing it was full daylight and his son hadn't called for him yet. The little boy was usually awake by 5:30 and never slept later than six unless he was sick. Was something wrong?

It took him a few seconds to realize that he wasn't in his bedroom; he wasn't in his house. He turned to look at Olivia, sound asleep next to him. Her dark hair was spread over the pillow and her mouth was slightly parted. It was strange to see her in such an intimate, unguarded moment—and then he remembered the many intimate moments of the night before and felt a warm heat rise in his cheeks. He slipped out of bed and walked across the carpeted floor to the bathroom, gently shutting the door behind him. He emptied his bladder and went to the sink to rinse his mouth. He hadn't thought to bring a toothbrush; the only time he was ever away from home was when he slept in the crib at the station and he had an extra set of everything there.

He went to the tiled shower stall and turned on the water, then looked around for a spare towel while the water was warming up. In the cupboard he found a pile of fluffy white towels and helped himself to one. He stepped under the water and turned his face up to the warm spray, closing his eyes and letting his mind drift back to the night before. It had been….amazing. He felt a stirring in his groin as he recalled some of the things he and his partner had done. This was a side of Olivia he'd certainly never had an opportunity to see before, and it was going to take some real concentration to erase it from his mind when the weekend was over. But that was exactly what he planned to do.

Opening his eyes, he looked around for soap, but all he found was flowery-scented shower gel and a bar that smelled like lavender. _Didn't Declan ever shower here? M_aybe Liv had gotten rid of everything that reminded her of him. He had just settled on smelling like flowers when the door to the shower slid open.

"Care for some company?" asked Liv, stepping in to join him before he could answer. She was, of course, naked, and he felt himself begin to grow hard at the sight of her. He'd always known that Liv had a great body, but seeing her without clothes was a whole different matter.

"It's your shower," he grumbled, using the excuse of rinsing under the water to turn his back toward her.

"Hand me the soap," she instructed and he passed her the bottle without turning around. He heard her squeeze some out into her hand and then she was washing his back for him. It felt good and he relaxed under her touch as she massaged his back and neck. Then her soapy hand was sliding down between the cheeks of his ass and between his legs. Any hope of hiding his erection was lost as she gently soaped and massaged the area behind his testicles. He turned to face her.

"Um, good morning to you too," he said, pulling her close so that they were stomach to stomach, his erection trapped between them. "Are you always this obliging in the morning?"

She grinned up at him. "No point in wasting a perfect opportunity." she retorted. "We both need a shower after last night," another grin here, "and we've got, um...work to do. Two birds with one stone."

"You do know that the more often we, um, do it, the lower the sperm count?" he said, taking the soap from her hand and pouring some into his own. He began to soap her back, paying plenty of attention to her backside. Lower sperm count or not, they weren't stopping now.

"I know, but I'm ovulating now, so I figure any sperm are better than none. And your track record shows you have strong swimmers, El, so I'm not worried."

He laughed. _Are we really having this conversation? I'm in the shower with my partner, talking about sperm counts._

"Whatever." He took more soap and began lathering her up in earnest. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the sensation which gave him a perfect opportunity to watch her face while he soaped her shoulders and neck, then moved to lather each perfect breast. When he moved his soapy hand to the spot between her legs, she moaned and took a step back, bracing herself against the shower wall. Elliot knelt before her and began at her toes, slowly working his way up one leg with his soapy hands. He paused briefly to pay attention to her most sensitive spot, eliciting a soft sigh, and then started with the other leg. When he reached the top of her leg again and gave only passing attention to where she wanted it most, her eyes flew open. Elliot chuckled at her look of frustration and stood up. He couldn't wait any longer either. He took her by the shoulders and turned her to face the wall, sliding her hands up so she could brace herself. Surprisingly, she allowed him to manipulate her without saying a word. It wasn't like Liv to be so complacent, but she seemed to be enjoying herself. He put his hands on her hips, pulled her closer to him and entered her from behind.

She gave a gasp of pleasure, and adjusted her position for maximum access. He held on to her hips and moved in and out in slow, steady strokes. When she started to roll her head back and forth on her shoulders, he picked up the pace, and slipped one hand around to stimulate her most sensitive spot at the same time. Her exhaled gasp and subsequent shudder brought him to a peak as well, much sooner than he would have expected after all of their activity the night before.

He leaned into, pinning her against the shower wall, while they both caught their breath. The water had been running for so long that the shower was like a sauna. After a minute, he pulled away and turned her around. She grinned at him. "Wow."

He smiled in return and picking up the bottle of shower gel, poured some into his hand and finished washing her. When he got to the spot between her legs, she caught his hand. "No, don't." she said. "Don't wash it all away. I'm going to go lie down so your swimmers don't have to go against gravity." When she saw his look of amused disbelief, she shoved him lightly on the chest. "I know, it's stupid, but it will make me feel like I'm doing something to help things along." She pushed the shower door open, letting in a rush of cool air, and left, grabbing _his_ towel as she passed by.

He shook his head and laughed out loud, then picked up the soap to wash himself all over again.


	16. Chapter 16

Reflection

Elliot headed back to Queens on Sunday afternoon after what had to have been one of the most unusual weekends of his life. He and Liv had done their best to conceive a baby; now all they could do was wait and see. If Liv wasn't pregnant, it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.

Kathy and the kids were due back on Tuesday and he had taken the next two days off from work to complete a special project in order to surprise his wife when she got home. She was an extraordinary person to have not only gone along with this whole crazy idea, but to have suggested it in the first place. He couldn't imagine many women feeling confident enough to be that generous and understanding and he fully understood that it was sign of her trust and belief in the strength of their marriage that had allowed her to do it. He was determined to show her that she wasn't mistaken.

He smiled to himself, thinking about the events of the weekend. Not in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined anything like that happening between him and Olivia. She was passionate and uninhibited and it was going to take some doing to erase those images from his mind. As he was leaving her apartment, she had pulled him close for a long hug.

"Thank you," she said in a husky tone, holding him close and looking up into his eyes. "I am so grateful to both you and Kathy for giving me this chance." They had studiously avoided any discussion of his wife or family all weekend; bringing her up now was another sign that it was time to put it all behind them and move on. "Even if this didn't work," and here, Liv put a hand over her flat stomach, "I'll know that I gave it my best shot and that I have people who care about me enough to do something so extraordinary."

He smiled down at her and kissed her softly on the lips one last time. "I hope it does work, Liv." He placed his hand over hers on her belly. "I have a good feeling about this, I really do."

"So do I," she smiled back, her eyes bright with happy tears. "But if it doesn't, El, I'll be okay, I promise."

"I know you will," he'd told her, and picked up his bag to go home to his family.

Now, as he drove, he thought about the weeks that had led up to this point. Kathy had come home from her lunch with Olivia that Saturday and told him, point blank, they had to do something to help her, that she couldn't sit by and watch their friend be so unhappy. He'd been outraged when she suggested he sleep with Olivia so that the conception would be natural. Yes, that was in line with the teachings of the Church, but it was also breaking a commandment. It was breaking _his own_ personal commandment as well. She'd been adamant though, that it could happen without destroying their own relationship and she'd gradually worn him down. His wife could be a force of nature when she made up her mind about something.

They'd worked out all of the details among the three of them. First and foremost, no one was ever going to know that Elliot was the father of Olivia's child. They'd had endless discussions about the pros and cons and had finally decided that they couldn't risk it. It would be too awkward for the Stabler children, and it would forever put a taint on Olivia and Elliot's professional relationship. Even if IAB thought that Elliot had donated the sperm through traditional routes, they would question their ability to remain impartial. It could compromise any future personal relationship Olivia might have. The only stipulation that Elliot had was that, if anything ever happened to Olivia and she didn't have a spouse who could care for the child, he and Kathy would be named as guardians and would raise it. That, Olivia readily agreed to. "I would have done that anyway," she'd said, her face serious. "You two are the best parents I know."

Second, this baby was going to be Olivia's and Olivia's alone. "You can't be bossing me around and telling me how to raise my kid," she'd told Elliot. He'd agreed. He'd known all along that the only way this situation could work is he totally distanced himself. He and Kathy would support Olivia in any way that they could as friends, but the baby was hers.

They'd gone to a lawyer and put it all in a legal document. Elliot had no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for this child, unless something happened to Olivia. His name wouldn't appear on the birth certificate.

Then it had just been a matter of working out when it would happen. Olivia had been taking her temperature daily for months to know when she was ovulating and since her cycle was pretty regular, Kathy had known when to make plans to be away with the kids, visiting her sister, when she expected it to happen. Even though she was totally behind the plan, Kathy knew she wouldn't be able to sit at home alone, trying not to think about what her husband and his partner were doing. She wanted to be far away and busy.

He turned on the radio and scanned the channels until he found a classic rock station that fit his mood. Yes, they'd worked out all of the details. Now they just needed to wait and see if it worked.

* * *

Olivia lay on her bed, both hands flat on her bare stomach, willing everything to work out the way she wanted, desperately needed, it to happen. She'd told Elliot that she would be okay if this pregnancy didn't happen, but she wasn't so sure. They'd all agreed that this would be a one shot deal. Elliot would spend one weekend with her while she was most fertile. He'd refused to even consider anything beyond that, saying that if God wanted it to happen, that would be enough and Kathy had known not to push him any further. So she didn't even want to think about the future if this didn't work.

Her thoughts drifted back to the weekend. It had been...amazing. It was like the two of them were in a time warp where no one else existed, not his family, not the job, nothing. There had been no interruptions from work—Munch and Fin were on call and Olivia had threatened them with their lives if they bothered her, claiming to have a hot date. If they only knew...

She wondered, for the millionth time, how things might have been different if Elliot hadn't already been married when she met him. Would they have become romantically involved? It was so hard to know. Perhaps the reason they'd become so close was because they both knew it would never happen and that's what gave them the freedom to care for each other without the drama of a sexual relationship. It was all moot anyway. Elliot _was _married, happily married, and truth be told, he wouldn't' be the man he was if his life had been different. Marrying young, joining the Marines, having a big family—all of those things had contributed to forming who he was. She also couldn't imagine lasting this long as an SVU detective without him as her partner.

But it had been a wonderful weekend. For two days and nights, she was able to put reality aside and pretend he was hers. They'd done the things a normal couple would do—had gone for a run together on Saturday afternoon, eaten dinner at a restaurant down the block, and of course, best of all—he'd slept in her bed for two delicious nights. Out of it all, she might end up with the greatest thing of all—the baby she'd wanted for so long. It was more than she'd ever expected to have of him, and it would be enough. It would have to be.

* * *

Elliot stood in the bathroom, hands on hips, looking at the mess in front of him. He had exactly 12 hours to finish before the plumber came in the morning to install the Jacuzzi tub he'd ordered to surprise Kathy. He'd begun ripping out a place for it on Friday before he went to Olivia's, taking out a storage closet in the corner of the master bathroom. He'd planned to finish the prep work when he got back today, but had run into pipes that he didn't expect to be there and it had taken him longer. Now, he needed to clean up all of the debris and put up new sheet rock. He sighed, and bent to pick up another load for the dumpster that had been delivered while he was away for the weekend. It was going to be a long night.


	17. Chapter 17

**_A/N: It's been a busy few days so this one is just short and sweet, but I promise to have more over the weekend. Many thanks to all who have read and reviewed-and who are continuing to read even though the focus is back on E/K. Don't worry, there will be plenty more about O as the story continues!_**

Surprise

Elliot looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after two in the afternoon. _Shit!_ Kathy and the kids would be getting back soon and he still hadn't showered. He quickly picked up the painting supplies and took them down to the basement, leaving the brushes to soak in a bucket of water. He'd finish cleaning up later.

On his way back upstairs, he started pulling off the paint-stained t-shirt and shorts he was wearing and went back into the bathroom to turn on the shower. He took a quick look around the room before stepping under the spray. The Jacuzzi had been delivered the day before and the plumber had come to hook it up shortly after. He'd spent last night building a wooden wainscoting enclosure around it and today, painting it all to match the other woodwork in the bathroom.

He washed up quickly and was relieved to note that the chafed skin that had been bothering him since he left Olivia's was no longer so sensitive. He would not have wanted to explain _that_ to Kathy. They'd agreed that there was no need to share details about what happened while she was gone. All that mattered was the end result.

He had no sooner dried off and pulled on clean clothes when he heard a car in the driveway and looked out the bedroom window to see their familiar blue van pulling in. He ran downstairs and was standing there when the twins piled out of the vehicle, already fighting about who had to help with what. When they saw him standing there, they stopped, knowing he would cut them no slack when it came to helping out.

"Dad!" Lizzie cried, opening her arms to give him a hug. "I didn't know you were going to be home! Now _you_ can help Dick unpack the van, right?" Her brother rolled his eyes behind her.

"Good to see you too, sweetheart," Elliot laughed, kissing the top of her head. "Both of you grab a few bags on your way in. I'll get the rest."

He walked around to the other side of the van to where Kathy was getting out of the driver's seat, peering into the back to see Eli sound asleep in his car seat .

"You're home?" Kathy said in surprise. She looked tired and rumpled after the long drive. He pulled her into a hug, holding her tight against him, reveling in her familiar scent. She hesitated for just a moment, and then relaxed into his embrace, resting her forehead against his chest.

"I missed you," he said softly to the top of her head. "And I have a surprise for you."

She pulled back to look at him warily. "What kind of surprise?" It was certainly too early to have news about Olivia being pregnant.

"I took a few extra days off and I've been busy. Come on, I'll show you." He opened the door next to Eli and unbuckled his sleeping son from the car seat. He didn't wake when Elliot gently lifted him out and put him on his shoulder.

"I've got to get all of this stuff," Kathy protested, motioning to the van. The twins had opened the back and taken a few things into the house with them, but there was plenty left.

"I'll get it later," Elliot promised. He shut the back of the van and took her by the hand, pulling her toward the house. She laughed and followed him inside and upstairs to their bedroom. Her nose wrinkled as she picked up the scent of fresh paint.

"What have you been do...?" Her eyes went wide when she saw the changes in their bathroom. "Elliot!"

He laughed at her expression of surprise. When they'd spent a weekend in the Catskills last fall, they'd loved the Jacuzzi in the suite of the B&B and had joked ever since that they needed to get one at home. It had been a magical weekend for them with no kids or other commitments—one of the longest times they'd been truly alone in years. The whirlpool tub had become a kind of private code or joke for them when they wanted to be intimate, as in "I could really use some Jacuzzi time tonight."

Elliot stood in the doorway with the sleeping baby while Kathy walked over to inspect the new addition. She looked around in amazement at the new walls and woodwork he'd installed around it. "You did all of this while we were gone?" she asked, turning back to look at him.

"Well, I didn't install the tub, I had a guy come do that. But yes, I did the rest of it." He looked down at the sleeping baby on his shoulder. "Hey, how long has he been asleep? Should I wake him up or put him in his crib?"

Kathy grimaced. "Oh, please don't wake him up. He didn't fall asleep at all until about half an hour ago and he was cranky and miserable for an hour before that. The twins were ready to toss him out the window. We'll pay for it later, but let him sleep a little bit longer."

Elliot laughed softly. "I'll be right back."

When he returned, Kathy was inspecting the tub. "Be careful," he warned her, "the paint's probably still wet."

She held up a smudged finger to show him. "So I see," she said dryly, but her expression was anything but upset. "I can't believe you did all of this, Elliot. What a nice surprise!" She moved to where he was standing and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his face down for a kiss. He put his arms around her and held her close.

"I'm so glad you're back," he said again. "We can't use the tub today—it's got to sit for another twenty-four hours so the caulk is dry. But-" and here, he grinned down at her. "I've got tomorrow off too."


	18. Chapter 18

Residual

Kathy laughed at his eagerness. "Not that I'm not happy to hear that you've got the day off tomorrow, babe, but you do know that the kids will all be home, right?"

"That's where you're wrong. Coach Murphy called to see if the twins would help with a softball clinic tomorrow afternoon. I told him they'd love to. And I plan to take Eli to the park in the morning and get him good and tired before his nap. So we should have at least an hour or two to ourselves." Elliot grinned, clearly pleased with himself.

"Clever man," she said, smiling up at him. She kissed him softly. "It's good to be home, El, I missed you. And this," she gestured toward the tub "is such a nice idea. I love it."

"Why don't you take a shower, if you want, and relax for a little while?" he suggested, nodding toward the bed. "I'll get the rest of the stuff from the van."

Kathy frowned. "Oh, I should go see what's in the freezer and make a trip to the store, if you're going to be home with Eli. I don't think there's much for dinner."

"All taken care of," Elliot assured her. "I've got steaks marinating and I picked up corn on the cob from the farmer's market."

Kathy pretended to take his temperature. "Are you sick? Who are you? Did aliens come and abduct my real husband?" Before Elliot could respond, they heard Dick come out of his room.

"Why does the whole upstairs smell like paint?" he asked from the bedroom door. Kathy inclined her head toward the bathroom behind them.

"Come and see what your father did while we were gone," she told him.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed when he saw the Jacuzzi. "Awesome! Why is it in _your_ bathroom? We'd better get to use it too. This will be great after a game when I'm sore. Hey, Liz! Come look at this!" he yelled.

"Look at what?" Liz yelled irritably back from her room across the hall. "I'm trying to unpack."

A miserable wail rose from Eli's room. "Nice job," said Elliot, giving his older son a good-natured Gibb's slap on the back of his head.

Dickie ducked away and rubbed the back of his head, pretending to be in pain. "Ouch, Dad! Are you trying to make me into one of your special victims?"

"Funny." As Elliot turned to go get the crying baby, Lizzie came into the room.

"What's going on?" she asked. "And why does everything smell like pain?"

Elliot shook his head and laughed. It was good to have his family back.

* * *

Kathy and Elliot sat at the table in the backyard, sipping a glass of wine and watching Eli as he moved his toys from one side of the yard to the other. There didn't seem to be any purpose to what he was doing, but he was having fun and, after the late nap he'd had, the more exercise he got before bed, the better. Kathy and the twins had filled Elliot in on the details of their trip to her sister's summer cabin on Lake Placid, including a hilarious account of Kathy's attempt to water ski for the first time. She'd taken the twins reporting with good humor, and Elliot listened to them laugh and talk about the fun they'd had with their cousins, he wished he'd been there to enjoy it with them. Now the twins were in the house, catching up with friends via all of their various electronic messaging methods.

"So, did Eileen ask why I didn't come with you?" Elliot asked, rolling his wine glass in his hand. Kathy looked at him in surprise. He sounded-wistful.

"I told her that you couldn't get away and let her assume you had to work," she said carefully. They had agreed not to talk about the details of the weekend but she had to admit she was more than a little bit curious. Being at her sister's house surrounded by family had been a great distraction for several days, but she'd spent most of the drive home trying not to picture her husband in intimate positions with his partner.

Elliot nodded. Of course she would accept the "he had to work card"; everyone knew he spent more time at work than with his family. He wished this once his in-laws had known it was for another reason, but of course that was impossible. Better they think he was a work-aholic than to expect them to understand how he and Kathy had agreed to help Olivia.

"So," asked Kathy softly. "How did things go?"

Elliot looked at her and shrugged. "We'll know in a few weeks, I guess."

* * *

There was an awkward moment when they climbed into bed later that night. Elliot came out of the bathroom from brushing his teeth to find Kathy already under the covers, the light on her side of the bed extinguished. She was laying on her side, facing away from his pillow.

He turned out his own light, slipped under the sheet and waited for her to turn to him but she didn't. It was going to be up to him to initiate any contact. After a minute, he moved over to to her and wrapped himself around her in a classic spooning position. He wrapped one arm around her waist and held her close, burying his face in her silky hair. She sighed and nestled back into him, putting her arm on top of his at her waist. "I love you, El." she said sleepily. He tightened his grasp and whispered back. "I love you too."

All was right in his world again. His family was safely home and his wife was in his arms. They'd done what they could to help a good friend, and while there might be awkward moments in their future, they'd get through them. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Doubt

Elliot walked into the squad room on Thursday morning with a smile on his face. He was glad to be back at work. On the job, he knew exactly what was expected of him. The first person he saw was Munch, who was carrying a big pile of files to his desk.

"Good morning, John," Elliot said cheerily.

"Is it?" John asked without looking at him. He dropped the files on his desk and sat down in front of them with a loud sigh.

Fin was the next person he encountered. "Hey, Fin," he laughed. "Did your partner get up on the wrong side of the conspiracy theory this morning?"

Fin scowled. "What you so cheery about? Spend your whole time off getting laid or somethin'?"

Elliot took a quick glance toward Olivia's desk. She was bent over a pile of her own folders and either hadn't heard Fin's comment or was, thankfully, choosing to pretend she hadn't.

Elliot gave up the attempts at small talk and went straight to his desk. Olivia looked up and gave him a weary smile. "Welcome back," she said.

"What's going on with everyone?" He asked, setting his coffee mug down and booting up

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Cragen's on a roll. The Chief of D's has been on his back and now he's on ours. Yesterday he..." Before she could finish, Cragen came barreling out of his office.

"Benson, Tutuola—get down to the M. E"s office—she's got something for you. Munch—get over to the one-seven—they've got some files you need to look at. Stabler—in my office—NOW!"

Olivia threw Elliot an apologetic look and rushed to join Fin, who was already standing by the door, ready to leave. _Benson, Tutuola? What's going on here? Did Liv ask to be reassigned? _All of these thoughts ran through Elliot's head at lightning speed as he made his way to Cragen's office, his jaw tight.

"Cap, what's going on?" he asked, as he entered. "Why is Liv working with Fin?"

Cragen glared at him. "She's working with Fin because I told her to!" he barked.

"Did she ask to be reassigned?" Elliot asked, not backing down. Olivia had done this before, had asked for a new partner when things were rough between them, but he couldn't believe she would do it again and especially, not right now. Sure, things were going to be awkward for a bit, but they'd anticipated that and she'd sworn she could deal with it. Had she been lying so she could use him like she'd used Declan?

Cragen sighed and took his tone down a notch. "Sit down, Elliot. I'll bring you up to speed."

Elliot reluctantly took a seat, his head reeling. Liv couldn't have done this to him; she couldn't have, not after everything they'd been through.

"I want Liv on this case with Fin until it's solved," Cragen explained. "They've been working it while you were off and I don't want to lose any time getting this one put away. The Chief of D's is breathing down my neck on this because 1PP is breathing down his. Until it's settled, you can work with Munch—he's got some angles he's pursuing. But I want Liv and Fin doing the field work. Fin has established a good rapport with the family and Liv has with the victim. I don't want to change that mid-stream."

Elliot breathed a sigh of relief. Munch was a pain in the ass, but he could work with him temporarily. At least...thank god...Liv hadn't requested this. He felt a stab of guilt at assuming the worst.

"So, what IS this case that's got everyone so worked up?" he asked, leaning forward. He was ready to get back to work. If work fell into place, so would the rest of his crazy life. Or so he hoped.

* * *

Olivia got into the car with Fin and buckled her seat belt. She'd seen the look that flashed across Elliot's face when Cragen had barked out his orders. He assumed that she'd asked to be reassigned to a new partner, the same way she had two years ago when things had gotten too intense between them. It had taken him a long time to forgive her for that. She'd left him when he was already hurting from Kathy leaving, and now he thought she'd done it again. She wanted to kick herself for not trying to call and warn him, but she'd onlyt found out herself shortly before he'd arrived, and she knew that if Cragen had seen her on the phone right after he'd told her, he'd have her head on a platter. When the captain was on a roll like this, it was best to fly low under his radar.

All in all, it was convenient timing. She'd had knots in her stomach all morning, knowing that Elliot was due back to work today. She kept imagining herself accidentally blurting out something about their weekend together or worse yet, grabbing him and kissing him. Of course neither of those things would happen. If there was anything she was good at it, it was denying her feelings about Elliot Stabler. But it would be nice to have a few days of seeing him on the job without spending every waking minute with him in order to be able to ease back into a working relationship. A few days to allow the memories to fade. She had a flashback of being him taking her from behind in the shower and she gave an involuntary shiver. She _had_ to put these thoughts behind her and move on.

"Earth to Olivia!" she heard Fin say irritably.

"Sorry, Fin—what were you saying?"

* * *

Kathy dropped the twins off at the Rec Center for the second day of the softball clinic and watched as they trotted off to the field. They'd been surprising agreeable about being volunteered to help, pleased to be considered old and skilled enough to help teach the younger kids. They were growing up so fast. Soon they'd be going to college and out of the house like Maureen and Kathleen. She glanced in the rear view mirror at Eli, drinking from a Sippy cup as he watched his siblings walk away. There'd be no empty nest for her and Elliot for a long time, but she wasn't sorry about that. Eli may not have been planned, but he'd brought them back together and she was thankful every day for that. She'd truly believed that they were through when Elliot had slipped the signed divorce papers in the mailbox that night two years ago. Filing for divorce had been her last ditch effort to get him to make a decision, to either commit to working on their marriage or letting go. She and the kids couldn't continue to live in the limbo they'd been in since she'd left him the year before. When he'd actually signed the papers, she'd accepted that it was over. Then a case had hit home hard enough for him to have a change of heart and told her he wanted to move come back home to his family. They'd been in the process of slowly getting reacquainted and working out the details when Eli had been conceived and, well, there was no looking back after that.

"What do you say, little man?" she asked brightly, putting the car into gear. "Ready to go to day care and see your friends?" He turned from the window at the sound of her voice and his blue eyes, so much like his father's, met hers in the mirror. Elliot's mother had told her that Eli was the spitting image of his father when he was little, with his dark curls and intense blue eyes. She wondered what Olivia's baby would look like. Olivia and Elliot were similar enough in coloring and complexion that it shouldn't be a problem, or so they'd all told each other when they'd hatched up this plan.

She sighed as she thought about the day before. Elliot had been so excited about having installed the whirlpool tub and had gone to great pains to arrange for them to have time alone to initiate it, but in the end, she just couldn't go through with it. Every time she thought about being intimate with her husband, she froze, a picture of him with Olivia flashing through her mind. It was stupid, she knew and she had to get over it. Elliot had been hurt and then angry when she'd finally admitted why she'd stalled on joining in the hot tub until Eli had woken from his nap and it was too late.

"I only did it because of you, Kathy," he'd told her, his voice steely and eyes icy. She hated when he was angry with her. "You said it was the only way and that you could handle it. Now that it's too late to undo, you've changed your mind?"

"I just need a little time, El," she'd pleaded, reaching for him. He'd thrown her an angry, hurt look and left the house for a run, his ready answer for anything that upset him. By the time he'd returned, the twins were home and they didn't have time to talk again until bed. But even then, he hadn't come back downstairs after putting Eli to bed and when she went up to find him, he was in bed, asleep—or pretending to be.

She had cornered him that morning before he left for work, following him out to the driveway while Lizzie supervised Eli eating his breakfast.

"Elliot, stop!" she'd demanded, when he saw her following him and still opened the door to get into his car. "We need to talk."

"What's there to talk about?" He threw up his hands. "It's done, I did what you wanted me to do, and now you're mad. I can't take it back."

"I'm not mad," she tried to explain. "I'm just having a harder time dealing with this than I thought. I still think what you did—what we did- was the right thing."

"But now you don't want to be with me?" he asked and the look of pain and vulnerability in his eyes almost broke her heart.

"Oh, Elliot, it's not that," and she started crying right there in the driveway. He took her into his arms and they held each other for a few minutes. "I was so excited about the possibilities, about how it might work out; I just didn't let myself think about how it would feel until it actually happened. I'm sorry; I know that's not being fair to you."

"Kathy, I never would have agreed to do it if I thought it would hurt us," he said harshly, holding her at arm's length and looking her in the eye. "You promised me it would be ok."

"It is, babe, it is, she told him, putting her hand against his cheek. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. Elliot rarely cried. She could count on one hand the times she'd seen him cry. _What have I done?_ "I promise you, it's all going to be okay."

As she pulled up to the campus day care, she realized that she had to find a way to make good on that promise to her husband. He was right, she'd pushed him until he'd agreed to do something he'd never wanted in the first place, and now she was punishing him for it. It was time to get over it and put it behind them and get on with their lives. She hoped, for all of their sakes, that this hadn't all been in vain and that Olivia would end up with the baby she so desperately wanted. She realized, suddenly, blindingly, that it was the uncertainty of the situation that was causing her inner turmoil. If Olivia was pregnant, she'd have no problem justifying to herself that what Elliot had done was the right thing. If she wasn't—well, then she'd pushed her husband to have sex with another woman—a sexy, attractive woman—for no good reason at all.

**A/N: If you're reading this story, there's a good chance that you're a fan of Christopher Meloni in his role as Elliot Stabler. Chris will be celebrating his 50th birthday on April 2, 2011, As a special birthday present, I, along with a few other fans, have organized a campaign to raise money for one of his favorite charities: The Butler Child Advocacy Center in the Bronx in New York, a program that serves children who have been victims of abuse and neglect. Chris & his wife Sherman have been involved with the Butler Center for a number of years and have approved this campaign. For more information about the Butler Center and how to donate, follow me on Twitter Foreword55 and view my profile page for the link or send me a PM and I'll get the information to you. (FF doesn't allow me to post a link here)**


	20. Chapter 20

Turmoil

As soon as Olivia got back to the station house in the afternoon, she asked Elliot to walk down to the corner for coffee with her. He glanced over his shoulder at the Captain's office. His door was closed and they could see he was on the phone, pacing back and forth.

"I don't know, the Captain's still on a tear," he said. Like Munch, he had a stack of files in front of him to go through, looking for information that would help them on their current case. He'd been at it for hours and was more than ready to take a break.

"We'll only be gone a few minutes," she promised. "We need to talk."

Elliot followed her as she headed out the door and down the steps to the street.

"Did Cragen explain why I'm working with Fin on this?" she asked when they were outside. Her brown eyes were full of concern. She'd been distracted the whole time she and Fin were out interviewing people, worried that Elliot had gotten the wrong idea and the Captain hadn't straightened him out. Fin wouldn't be asking to keep her as his partner after today. He probably thought she was a head case.

"Yeah, he explained," Elliot shrugged. "It's cool." He put his hands in his pockets and looked away.

"I didn't want you to think that I asked him to do it," Olivia said, not reassured by his attitude. "It was a surprise to me too. I thought he'd put you on the case with me when you got back."

"It did cross my mind," Elliot admitted. He took her by the arm and started walking toward the coffee shop on the corner. "I thought maybe you wanted some…space…after the weekend." He looked straight ahead as he said it, not meeting her eyes.

"Elliot," she laid a hand on his arm to stop him and make him face her. "I don't need space. We agreed—it was a one-shot thing and it's behind us now."

"Are you sure?" he asked and now his eyes did meet hers, searching to be sure she was being truthful with him.

"Yes, I'm sure," she said firmly. _Because I don't have a choice, do I?_

"Good. Because I don't think Kathy's putting it behind her so easily," he said and began walking again.

"What do you mean?" Olivia hurried to meet his long stride. "What's wrong with Kathy?"

"She's been…touchy…since she got back. We got in an argument last night."

Olivia stopped in her tracks. "About what?" Her eyes were wide with concern and fear. "Elliot, if this is causing problems for you two, I'll never forgive myself." She knew better than anyone the toll it had taken on him when he and Kathy were separated.

Elliot turned around to face her, his face tight. "That makes two of us." His look softened when he saw the look of dismay on her face. "Liv—I meant I'd never forgive myself either, not that I'd never forgive _you_. This isn't your fault."

They continued walking, slowly now, down the block and got their coffees, taking them outside to sit at the small tables outside the café. It was mid-afternoon and they were the only ones braving the heat outside.

"What exactly is she upset about?" asked Olivia hesitantly, stirring her iced decaf "Is she mad at me?"

"No, I don't think so," said Elliot. "But she's not comfortable…being…with me…right now." He looked sad and defeated.

Olivia's face was a mixture of puzzlement and shock. "But why, El? You were the one who didn't want to do this. Kathy and I practically forced you into going along with it. Why would she resent you now?"

"I don't know if she resents me. I don't know what the hell is going on. It's almost as if I'm…contaminated or something."

Olivia's head reeled back in shock. "_Contaminated_? By me?" She looked horrified.

"Oh shit, Liv, I don't know what I'm talking about. All I know is, she doesn't want me to touch her and I don't get why. "

"Do you think I should call her?" asked Olivia, on the verge of tears.

Elliot looked at her and shrugged. "Maybe. Yes. I don't know. Maybe if she talks to you and realizes nothing has changed, she'll feel better."

Olivia reached into her pocket for her cell, but Elliot reached over to place his hand over hers. "Not now, Liv. She's in class—and Cragen's gonna have both of our asses if we don't get back to work. Call her later and see how she sounds to you."

Olivia nodded, her lips tight. They pushed back their chairs and stood up to head back to the station.

"How are _you_ doing?" Elliot asked her softly. He hadn't meant to upset her and dump all of their problems on her when she had so much on her mind.

"Just trying not to think about it too much," she said, giving him a tight smile. "Waiting to see what happens."

He nodded. "We all are."

* * *

That evening, as soon as Elliot left to drive home, Olivia took her cell phone into the crib and shut the door behind her. She hadn't been able to concentrate all afternoon, worried that her friends, in their desire to help her, had done irreparable damage to their relationship. She dialed the Stabler's home phone number and sat down on one of the bunks, nervously tapping her foot.

"Hey, Lizzie, it's Olivia. How was your trip?" She barely listened as the girl rattled on about the things they'd done during their time away. "Sounds like you had a great time, sweetie. Hey, is your mom home yet? " She waited impatiently while Lizzie went to get her.

"Hi, Olivia," said Kathy a few second later, sounding breathless. "I was just out in the yard with Eli."

"Can you talk for a minute?" Olivia asked. "I want to hear about your trip. Lizzie's says you had a lot of fun."

There was a slight hesitation and then Kathy said, "Sure, let me take the phone outside so I can keep an eye on the baby. His brother's out there now and not happy about it."

"If this isn't a good time, you can call me back later," Olivia offered, almost hoping that Kathy would take her up on it.

"No, it's fine," said Kathy. "I was just sitting out in the yard doing schoolwork while Eli plays. I'm waiting for Elliot to get home before I start dinner. Has he left yet?" Was it Olivia's imagination, or did Kathy sound artificially perky?

"Yes, a few minutes ago," Olivia told her. "We're not working together this week, but I saw him head out."

"What do you mean?" Kathy asked, sounding surprised. Olivia explained about the sensitive case and Cragen's insistence that she and Fin continue working it together.

"Well, maybe it's good timing," said Kathy, her voice just a little bit edgy. "I imagine you and Elliot could use a break from each other about now."

Okay, so there it was, out in the open. "Kathy—what's going on?" asked Olivia, her voice low and concerned. "Until this morning, I hadn't seen Elliot since Sunday. And I thought we all agreed that t we wouldn't let this change anything."

Kathy sighed. "I know. I guess I'm just having a harder time than I thought I would." There was a moment of awkward silence and then she asked: "Was it…was it weird for you, Liv?"

Olivia groaned mentally. How was she supposed to respond to that? _It was a dream come true for me, finally getting to fuck your husband? He's an amazing lover and I wish he was mine all of the time? _"I don't know, Kathy—it was what it was, you know? And now it's over. We all agreed we'd do this and put it behind us. That's what I'm doing. All I can do is wait—and hope that it worked."

"Do you think it did?" Kathy asked, sounding hopeful now. "I know it's way too early to tell…"

"I promised myself I'd wait at least two weeks before I do a test," said Olivia. "But Kathy, I want to say this now, I am _so_ grateful to both you and Elliot for all you've done to help me. I know this wasn't easy and we're all uncomfortable right now. But like I told Elliot, even if I don't end up pregnant, I'll know I did everything I could to make it happen, and that I have friends who cared about me enough to do something so selfless."

There was another long pause and then Kathy said, "I have to admit, Liv, I'm not feeling so selfless right now. I'm kicking myself in the ass, wondering why I sent my husband to sleep with another woman. Wondering if I'm crazy as a loon."

"You're not crazy, Kathy," Olivia said softly. "You're an amazing friend and a great wife. And you've got a husband who loves you enough to do something so crazy to make you and a friend happy. You're a lucky woman."

"Yeah," said Kathy, and hearing her openly crying, Olivia began to cry herself. "I guess I am."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Thanks for bearing with me while everyone sorted out their feelings after the E/O weekend. I promise we'll find out what's going on with Olivia in the next few chapters!**

**And I have to put in another plug for Chris Meloni's 50th Birthday Surprise! Fanfiction doesn't allow links to be posted, but just take out the spaces in the following and it will work: **

** http .com/post /3704547353 /chris-meloni-50th-birthday-campaign-update**

Reunion

Kathy was in the backyard lighting the gas grill when Elliot came home. He looked tired and discouraged but pasted a smile on his face and bent to give her a soft kiss before scooping Eli up from where he was playing on the ground.

"Da!" the little boy said happily and started pulling on Elliot's tie. At not quite two, he already understood that if Elliot took off his suit jacket and tie, he was staying home for the night. His father obliged him by loosening the tie and slipping it off to put in his pocket.

Kathy laughed and came over to stand by them, slipping one arm around Elliot's waist and tickling Eli's belly. "You're too smart, little guy," she told him, planting a kiss on his cheek. Then she turned to do the same to Elliot. "You look tired," she said, looking into his eyes. "Everything okay?"

"Just a long day of paperwork. Cragen has me assigned to work with Munch for the week." He sighed and sat down at the patio table with Eli.

"Yeah, I talked to Liv, she told me," said Kathy casually, turning back to the grill. She put the lid down and turned the flame to low so the grill would preheat.

"You talked to Liv?" Elliot was surprised. Olivia had been still working the phones when he left the precinct and he didn't think she'd even have time to call Kathy as they had discussed. "How did that go?" He asked cautiously.

"Good. We had a long talk and kind of cleared the air. I feel a lot better about things." She bent over and took Eli back from him. "Why don't you go get changed, and grab a beer? You can grill the turkey burgers while I get the rest of supper together."

"Turkey burgers?" Elliot wrinkled his nose, but he really didn't care what they were eating. Kathy seemed herself again and that was all that mattered.

"Yes, turkey burgers. We all need to eat healthier," she said, patting his chest above his heart. Still holding the baby, she leaned in to give him a lingering kiss that promised more to come. Elliot shook his head and went into the house to change. He'd have to remember to thank Liv in the morning.

After dinner, the twins were planning to go to the movies with friends from the softball league. Elliot was doing the transportation to pick them all up and drop them off and another parent was picking them up from the ice cream place near the movie theater an hour after the movie ended.

"Dad, you have to promise to not go all cop on these guys," warned Lizzie as they walked out to the van.

"Go all cop?" Elliot asked in mock confusion.

"You know exactly what I mean. No giving them the third degree."

"Yeah, and no body searches for drugs," added Dick, rushing to get to the front seat of the van before his sister.

"Drugs?" Elliot repeated. "These friends use drugs?"

"NO!" shouted Lizzie and Dick in unison.

Elliot laughed and got in the driver's seat. One of the best things about having kids was being able to torture them.

When Elliot got back home, the house was quiet. Thinking Kathy was upstairs giving Eli a bath, he went up to relieve her. Their routine since Eli had stopped nursing had been for Elliot to take the mornings since he was usually up anyway, and to put him to bed at night after Kathy had been with him all day long. It worked out for both of them. Elliot loved the quiet one-on-one times with his growing boy.

As he got to the top of the stairs, it was still quiet. No sounds of splashing from the tub at the end of the hall. He looked into Eli's room and saw that he was already in his crib; sound asleep with his stuffed dog. Kathy must be reading in their bedroom.

As he walked through the bedroom door, he could hear running water behind the half-open bathroom door. He pushed it open and finally found his wife, in the Jacuzzi sipping a glass of red wine. The bottle and a second glass stood ready on the wooden ledge he'd built around the tub.

He leaned against the door jamb and watched her. Her blond hair was piled loosely on top of her head and she was submerged to the level of her breasts in the swirling water. She saw him and smiled at him over the rim of her wine goblet.

"Care to join me?" She asked.

He remained in the doorway. "How on earth did you get Eli to sleep so early?" he asked.

"I kept him outside all afternoon to tire him out," she admitted, grinning at him. "And it wasn't an accident that you got the early transportation run. Matt's father was going to drop them off but I asked if he wouldn't mind picking them up afterwards instead. So we've got at least two more hours to ourselves."

Elliot walked over to the side of the tub and poured himself a glass of wine. She was giving him all of the right signals, but he'd been wrong before.

"Are you coming in, or what?" she asked again. He looked down at her, a puzzled look furrowing his brow.

"You're sure?" he asked softly. She nodded, taking another sip of her wine.

He set his glass down, undressed and slipped into the water with her. This tub was much smaller than the one they'd enjoyed in the Catskills; they hadn't had the room or the funds for one that large. He started to squeeze in facing her, but she put a hand on his hip to turn him around so that he ended up sitting between her legs, his back against her breasts. He leaned back into her, resting his head in the crook between her neck and shoulder.

"This is nice," he admitted as the water swirled and bubbled around him. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensation of the warm water and his wife's smooth skin against his body. Kathy reached for the tube of water-soluble gel soap that the installer had recommended and squeezed some into her hand. She began soaping her husband's neck and shoulders with slow, steady movements. He sighed and felt the tensions of the last few days slipping away. His wife was back.

Kathy worked her way down his arms and moved to his chest, tracing each of his well-defined muscles with her soapy hands. As she slipped lower down his chest to his abdomen, he began to get aroused. Kathy ignored the obvious while she stroked his hips and as far down as she could reach on his legs. Finally, when he was just about ready to grab her hand and put it exactly where he wanted it, she took him in her hand and washed him with long, smooth strokes. He turned so that his face was against her neck and began nuzzling her with light kisses. She ignored him and continued with her ministrations until he was almost ready to explode. Wanting to prolong the moment as long as possible, he pulled out of her grasp and twisted around to face her.

"My turn," he growled, grasping her by the shoulders and turning her so that their positions were reversed. He leaned against the tub and pulled her back into him. She laughed softly and wiggled so that she was rubbing against her behind against his erection. He began soaping her up the way she had him, slowly covering her torso, lingering on her breasts and nipples. When he slipped his hand between her legs, she stopped moving and pressed her whole body back into him. Her blond hair tickled his face as she arched her neck back against his shoulder.

"Shall we take this into the bedroom?" he whispered into her ear. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. It was an incredible turn on for him to see his wife react to his touch. She nodded. Elliot stood and stepped out of the tub first, grabbing a towel off the rack and holding it out to her. When she stepped out, he wrapped her in it and then pulled her tight against his own wet body, mostly defeating the purpose of her towel. He reached up to take her hair down, gently removing the band that was holding it up. When it fell around her shoulders, he twisted his hands in the long blond strands and pulled her close for a long kiss.

After, they stretched out on the bed on their sides, facing each other. It was a warm night and there was no need for blankets. They had another hour before the twins would be home and all of the privacy they needed for a change.

"So what changed?" Elliot asked, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

Kathy took his hand and turned the palm up so she could plant a soft kiss inside it. "I don't know," she admitted. "When I talked to Liv, I realized how stupid I've been. Nothing has changed. We're all the same people. If anything, what you did makes me love you even more." She kissed his palm again and curled it up the way she used to do with the kids when sending them off to school when they were little. "You're a good man, Elliot and a great husband. I couldn't ask for more."

He looked at her, his eyes dark and serious. She thought she could detect a bright hint of tears again. And then his face lit up with a big grin to defuse the moment.

"Well, it's about time you realized it," he drawled. She laughed softly and leaned into kiss him.

"Don't let it go to your head."


	22. Chapter 22

Results

By Wednesday of the following week, the unit had wrapped up the sensitive case. Munch and Elliot dug through stacks of old files in an attempt to tie a series of old, unsolved rapes to a new attack that had been perpetrated on the daughter of a prominent businessman and budding politician. Their diligence found leads that Fin and Olivia were able to follow up on to find the perp, a man who had managed to stay on the right side of the law for more than twenty years before reverting to his old patterns. Cragen was overjoyed, because now the Chief of D's was no longer nagging him, but rather applauding the skill of his whole unit.

Olivia and Elliot were at their desks, finishing up the paperwork when Cragen came out of his office.

"Benson, Stabler! Head up to this address and see what the unis have going." He waved a piece of paper at them.

Elliot looked at Liv and smiled. Things were back to normal.

* * *

They were busy most of the day doing crime scene investigation and interviews for the new case, the rape and murder of a much-too-young prostitute. No one saw anything, heard anything or knew anything. It promised to be a lot of work with the possibility of no good payoff, but both of them were sickened by the brutality of the crime and were determined to do their best.

It was late afternoon before they got a chance to grab anything to eat. Elliot offered to buy Liv a hot dog from a nearby street vendor, but she wrinkled her nose and put a hand to her stomach. "No, thanks, just the smell is making me want to hurl. Can't we find a deli and get some soup or something?"

Elliot raised his eyebrows. "Soup? Liv, it's 85 degrees out. And since when don't you eat hot do…" He broke off and stared at her, his eyes wide.

"What?" she asked irritably. "I'm just not in the mood for junk food, okay? The crap you're willing to put in your body is mind-boggling sometimes…"

"Liv," Elliot interrupted her and put a hand on her arm. "How early can you do a pregnancy test?"

She looked at him, her own eyes wide. "I promised myself I'd wait two weeks," she began.

"Which is this weekend, "Elliot said, his eyes lighting up. "Liv, every time Kathy's been pregnant, the first sign is that food smells make her sick, even things that she would normally love. "

Olivia's hand went to her stomach. "I couldn't finish my coffee this morning …"

They stared at each other. Elliot looked around, spotted a drugstore and pointed it out to her. "Go buy a pregnancy test." He told her.

"And do what? Take it in the bathroom of that McDonalds?" She waved her hand in the direction of the fast food place on the corner. "Elliot, I am not going to find out if I'm pregnant in a dirty public bathroom! I've already got some kits at home; I'll take it tonight."

Elliot glanced at his watch. "Let's go stop by your place before we got back to the station then." He turned and headed for the car.

She hurried to catch up with him. "Elliot, it can wait until tonight when I get home," she said, opening the door on her side and getting in. "We're supposed to be working this case."

"Maybe you can wait until tonight, but I can't," said Elliot, looking over his shoulder and pulling out into the street. "This case is going nowhere fast. We can take a break." He glanced over at Olivia, who was giving him a look of extreme frustration. "What? You don't want to know? Or..." as the thought occurred to him" ...you want to be alone when you find out?"

She laughed and threw her hands up in the air. "No, you can be there. I just had my head wrapped around the idea of not taking it until this weekend."

"Good. Cuz if I was there for the deed, I sure as hell can be there for the test results." He turned to her and grinned. "I've got a good feeling about this, Liv."

* * *

Elliot paced back and forth in the living room of Olivia's apartment while she took the pregnancy test kit into the bathroom. "How long does it take?" he called into her.

"Hold on, I don't even have the box opened yet!" she called back. "And then I have to wait five minutes to read it."

Elliot went to the small kitchen and opened the refrigerator to see if Liv had anything to eat. As usual, there wasn't much there, but he found a carton with some leftover Chinese take-out that he put into the microwave. He was tempted to drink one of the beers he'd left the weekend before, but since they had to go back to the precinct, he couldn't do that. He opened cupboard doors until he found plates and pulled out two. Pregnant or not, Olivia had to eat something.

Just as he was taking the food out of the microwave, he heard the bathroom door open. Surprised because it hadn't been five minutes yet, he turned to look. Olivia stood in the doorway, a stricken look on her face. She was pale and looked like she might pass out. He hurried over to her.

"Liv, it's ok, maybe it's just too early. I shouldn't have rushed you…"

Wordlessly, she held the stick out to him. Even without reading the directions, he understood that the big pink cross meant positive.

"It's positive? You're pregnant!"

She nodded, and burst into tears.


	23. Chapter 23

Confession

Elliot pulled Olivia into his arms and let her sob on his shoulder, being sure to avoid the white stick in her hand. He was grinning ear to ear. When she lifted her teary face to look at him, he led her over to the couch and handed her the box of tissues from the coffee table.

"Are you okay?" he asked, still smiling. She nodded, and burst into a fresh round of tears.

"I just…can't believe….this has finally happened." She sobbed, pulling several tissues out of the box and dabbing at her eyes. Elliot took a few tissues and gingerly took the used test stick out of her hand. He started toward the kitchen to throw it out, but Olivia held up her hand to stop him.

"Wait—don't throw it out!" she sniffled.

"You want to keep it?" Elliot asked in surprise. Liv didn't strike him as the sentimental type—and this stick had-_urine_ all over it.

Olivia shrugged and then nodded. "Just put it in the bathroom, okay? "

Elliot shook his head but did as she asked; setting the stick carefully on the back of the sink so it wouldn't get knocked into the garbage.

"Are you up to calling Kathy to tell her?" he asked when he went back into the living room. "She'll be so happy to hear this news." Olivia nodded. Color was beginning to return to her face. Elliot pulled out his cell phone and hit the speed dial for home. When Kathy answered, he said a quick hello and then passed the phone to Olivia:

"Kathy? It's Olivia," she said in a trembling voice. "Kathy—it worked! I'm pregnant!" She burst into tears again and handed the phone back to Elliot, shaking her head to indicate that she couldn't talk.

Laughing, Elliot took the phone back and gave Kathy a brief summary.

"So, you're at Olivia's apartment now?" she asked. If there was a slight catch in her voice when she asked this, Elliot missed it in his excitement.

"Yes, but we're heading back to the precinct in a minute," Elliot answered. "Or at least I am." He looked at his partner, who nodded to indicate that she'd be going along with him. "We just have to report back to Cragen and unless he wants us to follow up on something tonight, I'll be heading home. Need me to pick anything up for dinner?"

"No, but thanks. Tell Liv I'm very happy for her," said Kathy softly. "And that she should schedule an appointment with her doctor to confirm with a blood test. And to call me when she's up to talking."

"I'll tell her," Elliot laughed. "I love you, Kath. See you soon."

Olivia stood up and took a deep breath. "I think I'm okay now. Let me just go wash my face and then we can head back." She gave Elliot a tremulous smile and reached over to hug him. "Thank you," she said in a shaky voice. "I don't know how I can ever repay you and Kathy for this."

"Free babysitting for life?" suggested Elliot with a smile.

"Whenever you want," Olivia promised and headed toward the bathroom. Halfway there, she stopped and put her hand over her nose. "What is that smell?"

"I heated up the leftover Chinese food," explained Elliot. "I'm starving, and you've got to eat something, Liv."

"Oh god, Elliot, that stuff is a week old, throw it out!" Olivia exclaimed, rushing to the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. Elliot heard sounds of retching from behind the closed door. He shook his head and began to regretfully scrape the food into the garbage. His stomach growled as he closed up the bag and put it by the front door to take down the hall to the garbage chute on their way out. He remembered very well how sensitive Kathy had been to smells in the early stages of pregnancy and it looked like Olivia was going to have the same problem. He hoped she'd be up to stopping somewhere on the way back to the station or he was going to starve.

* * *

On his way home two hours later, Elliot took a slight detour to drive by St. Brendon's Church. Although it was after five, the light in Father Mike's office in the rectory was still on. He decided to take a chance and stop in.

The young priest answered the door himself. "Elliot," he said, looking surprised to see him. "Come in, please."

Elliot hesitated. "I'm sorry I didn't make an appointment, Father. I just took a chance that you'd have a few minutes. If it's not a good time…"

"It's fine, come in," the priest repeated. "I was just reviewing financial statements and I'm always happy to take a break from that. " He ushered Elliot into his office and shut the door behind them. "What can I do for you?"

Elliot stood by the door, feeling suddenly awkward. "I was wondering if you would hear my confession, Father."

The priest raised his eyebrows slightly, but motioned to the chairs in front of his desk. Elliot sat in one and after going to a cupboard and removing a purple stole and draping it around his neck, the priest took the other. "Are you comfortable doing this here or would you like to go over to the church?"

"I'm fine with here." _Am I? What am I doing here? I haven't been to confession in years._

"What's on your mind, Elliot?" Father Michael asked.

Elliot leaned forward in his seat, with his elbows on his knees, looking at the floor between their chairs. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he began hesitantly.

"Just talk to me, Elliot," the priest said gently. "Tell me what brings you here."

Elliot raised his eyes to meet his. "I've committed adultery, Father."

Father Michael looked at him for a long moment, his warm brown eyes searching Elliot's face. "I take it you're talking about the situation with your friend where you wanted to donate sperm."

"Yes."

The priest gave a soft sigh. "Can you tell me more? How did this…adultery come about?"

Elliot shrugged. "We planned it, Father. My wife and I and Olivia talked it all out and decided that donating the sperm…naturally…was the option we could all live with."

"So your wife was in agreement with you" the priest hesitated for a minute, searching for the right words "being intimate with your friend?"

"Our friend," Elliot stated. "And yes, she was. She was the one who suggested it in the first place. We all agreed to" and here Elliot paused, more than a little embarrassed to be discussing these details with a priest, "one weekend of trying. If that didn't do it, then we were done, it wasn't God's will."

"And were your …efforts…successful?"

"Yes," Elliot couldn't help a small smile. "Olivia just found out today that she is pregnant."

Father Michael sat back in his chair, pondering the situation. "Elliot, you do understand that to receive the sacrament of penance, you have to repent of your sin, recognize that it was wrong and show remorse."

Elliot sighed. "That's the problem, Father. I know that adultery is a sin. But in this case, it seemed to be the lesser of two evils. No one was hurt or wronged. My wife was part of the decision. And Olivia is pregnant now, by natural means. It seems like…God approved of what we did."

Father Michael nodded slowly. "It would appear that way. I certainly agree that no one was hurt by this action. As long as it doesn't happen again…"

"It won't," said Elliot firmly. "Never again. But…" he looked at the floor, a red flush creeping up his cheeks. Maybe he should have opted for the dark privacy of the confessional booth in the Church. He kept his gaze on the floor as he continued. "I…enjoyed…it, Father. " He glanced up to see the priest 's reactions and caught him trying to hide a smile.

"As I recall, your partner is a very attractive woman," he said delicately. "I would think that under the circumstances, that was to be expected. But you are sure that you are going to be able to avoid this temptation again in the future?"

"Absolutely," Elliot replied earnestly, relieved to have gotten by that moment. He felt like a kid again, confessing to stealing change from his mother's purse.

"Then there's the matter of your penance. This is an unusual situation and I'm going to suggest an…unusual penance."

Elliot looked at him, eyebrows raised, waiting for him to continue. When he went to confession as a boy, the priests assigned prayers, the bigger the sin, the more prayers. He couldn't imagine what the priest had in mind for an offense of this magnitude.

"I'd like you and your wife, if she's willing, to come talk to one of our marriage preparation classes." Said Father Michael, leaning forward in his seat. "I find it helpful for those entering into marriage to hear from couples from good marriages. I don't think you would necessarily share _this _particular experience," the priest smiled wryly, "but I know you and Kathy have been through some tough times and come through it. Would you consider doing that?"

Elliot shrugged. "Father, we're far from perfect. I don't know how much help we'd be."

"I think you have a lot to offer. You and your wife are obviously good at working through issues and coming to mutual decisions. Will you consider it?"

"I'll talk to Kathy and let you know." The two men looked at each other. "So, is that it, Father? Talk to a marriage class and all is forgiven?"

"Elliot, I know you know that it's not that simple. Breaking one of God's commandments is a serious offense and requires serious consideration. Helping with this class is one way you can atone, but I'd also advise prayer and reflection. Give back to other's as much as you can. But Elliot…" the priest leaned forward and took Elliot's hands in his own. "I don't think you need to be in fear for your eternal soul. You may not have adhered to God's law perfectly but your intentions were good."

The priest guided Elliot through an Act of Contrition and recited his own prayer. The two men stood.

"I'm glad you came by, Eliot," said Father Michael. "And I'm glad everything worked out for Olivia. She's a lucky woman to have friends like you and your wife."

Elliot thanked the priest and left to go home to his family, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Maybe this _was_ all going to be okay.


	24. Chapter 24

Disclosure

Olivia scheduled an appointment with her gynecologist, but over the course of the next week, it became apparent, even without a blood test that she was indeed, pregnant. She became nauseous out of the blue, triggered by strong smells some of the time, what she ate at others and for no apparent reason at all the rest of the time. By the end of the day, she was exhausted, barely able to keep her eyes open. She was running to the bathroom every few minutes and her breasts were so tender that if she accidentally bumped into something she wanted to cry. Elliot, knowing what was going on, did his best to cover for her, but when she threw up at a crime scene, she knew she had to come clean with Captain Cragen. Once the doctor confirmed her pregnancy and gave her a due date of mid-May, she scheduled a time to talk to him.

"You're pregnant?" said Cragen, astounded. "Congratulations, Liv. I didn't realize you were…um, seeing someone."

"I'm not," Olivia told him, raising her chin and keeping her voice steady. She knew it was going to be a long nine months of explaining her situation and she might as well get used to it. "I used donor sperm." _Talk about understating the facts…_

"I see," said Cragen. He was clearly flustered. It was often that he had to deal with maternity issues in his unit. "What are your plans, Liv?"

"I'd like to work here in SVU for as long as I can," Olivia told him, "But for the last few months, I think it would be better if I transferred over to Computer Crimes again until I deliver. And when I come back to work, I'd like to come back here. If that's all okay with you," she added hastily.

"Do you think you're going to be able to handle the hours of this job with a baby?" Cragen asked gently.

Again, Olivia raised her chin and gave her boss a defiant look. "I don't hear anyone asking Elliot if he can handle his job and he has FIVE kids."

Cragen raised his hands in acknowledgment. "That's true, Olivia, but Elliot has a spouse who…"

"I'll make arrangement for reliable childcare when I'm at work," interrupted Olivia. "You know, Captain, legally, you're not allowed to ask me these kinds of questions. Either I'm fit to do the job, or I'm not, but whether I have children or not is irrelevant."

Cragen gave her an offended look. "Olivia, I'm not trying to play bureaucrat here. I've known you for a long time and I care about you. This job is demanding and has irregular hours. It takes an emotional toll that is higher than any other unit. You know better than anyone that Elliot has a hard time balancing his work and family life at times. Fin lost his family because of the job. I just want to be sure you've thought it all through."

Olivia's hostile glare softened. "I know, Captain. I _have_ thinking about this and planning it for a long time. I love this job .I don't want to give it up and I think I can do both. If I can't, I'll ask for a transfer, but please, support me in trying. Please."

"Okay, Liv," Cragen nodded. He stood up from his desk and came around to give her a hug. "Congratulations, I'm very happy for you. I know you'll be a great mom. We'll work together to make this possible, I promise.

* * *

"How did it go?" Elliot asked her when she came back to her desk. Olivia glanced over to see where Fin and Munch were before answering, but both of their desks were empty.

"They're out doing a canvas for the Menendez case," Elliot told her. "So, what did the Captain say?"

"Well, after he picked his jaw up off the floor…," Olivia told him with a wry smile, "he was okay about it all and asked me if I was sure I could handle this job with a baby."

"What did you tell him?" Elliot asked. He was more than a little curious himself to hear how Liv planned to do it all.

"I told him that if he doesn't ask how _you _do the job with five kids, he shouldn't worry about me with one."

Elliot laughed, picturing the Captain's face. "But seriously, Liv, what _are_ you going to do? You can't put a baby in day care with the hours we work."

"I've been talking to an agency about getting an au pair, someone who can live in the apartment and be with the baby when I'm at work." Explained Liv.

Elliot nodded, already thinking ahead to the extensive background check he'd do on this person when the time came. He wasn't crazy about a stranger watching any child, let alone his kid—he shook his head. He couldn't start thinking like that. This wasn't his baby, it was Liv's. It was her call as to who took care of him or her when she was at work.

"When are you going to tell the others?" Elliot asked, nodding his head toward Fin & Munch's desks.

"I should tell them soon," said Olivia. "Captain said he'd leave it up to me, but if I keep losing it at crime scenes, they're going to guess something is up."

"You ready for all of the questions?" Elliot asked. "I can just hear Munch now when you tell him it was an anonymous donor."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Can you imagine what he'd say if he knew the truth?"

When Olivia left the precinct that evening, she was so tired, all she could think about was going home and getting into a warm bath and then her pajamas. She was so focused on that goal that she almost ran into someone entering the front door as she opened them to go out. It was Declan.

"Olivia," he said, a warm smile on his face. "It's good to see you."

"Hi Dec," she answered, stifling a yawn. When these tired spells hit, it was like an alien had taken control of her body. "How have you been?"

"Good, really good," he said and as he said it, she realized that he _did_ look much better than he had the last few times she'd seen him. He seemed more relaxed and….happy? "I've been trying to get up the nerve to call you, Liv."

She was suddenly wide awake. "Call me?"

"Yeah, I'd love it if we could get together for dinner and maybe…just talk." He glanced over his shoulder to see if anyone else was around and then continued in a lower tone. "I've been seeing someone…a therapist, if you can believe it, and well, it's helped a lot. I've been carrying around a lot of anger for a long time and talking about it really helped me work through some of it."

"That's great, Dec," said Liv warmly, really meaning it. Declan was a great guy and what had happened with his wife had obviously taken a big toll on him. She was glad to hear that he'd found a way to move beyond it.

"So anyway, would you be interested? Dinner, I mean?"

Olivia thought for a moment. She owed it to him to tell him she was pregnant before he heard it through the grapevine and dinner would be as good a time as any to break the news. It would undoubtedly send him running for the hills again, but she wouldn't' blame him for that.

"That would be nice, Declan. Going to dinner would be nice. I have some things I'd like to talk to you about too."

They tentatively planned for the next evening, knowing that for both of them, the job made it next to impossible to make firm plans. Liv wondered if she'd be able to sneak in a nap in the crib before they went out so she wouldn't yawn all through dinner.

As she turned to head out the door again, Declan stopped her with a hand on her arm. "You look great, Olivia," he said in a low tone. "Things must be going well for you; 'you're… glowing." He looked embarrassed to have said such a mushy thing and Olivia laughed softly.

"I already said yes to dinner, Dec, you don't have to butter me up," she smiled. "But thanks. We'll get caught up tomorrow night, okay?"

* * *

"I'm going to go stretch out in the crib for a few minutes," Olivia told Elliot late the next afternoon. They'd been out canvassing all afternoon and were back in the squad room to finish up paperwork. Olivia was yawning and could barely keep her eyes open. Hormones and the lack of caffeine were making it difficult to keep up her normal pace, but she knew from extensive reading, and talking to Kathy that this was a temporary phase. Kathy was being wonderfully supportive; she seemed almost as excited about this pregnancy as Olivia was, but in a totally BFF way, never crossing the line of being bossy.

"You feeling okay?" Elliot looked up from his computer, a concerned look on his face.

"Just tired. I'm supposed to meet Declan for dinner later and I'm never going to last unless I take a nap."

Elliot eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Declan—when… how did that happen?"

Olivia gave a wry smile. "I ran into him on my way out yesterday. He wants to get together and talk. I figure I owe it to him to give him my news in person, don't you think?"

Elliot slowly nodded. "What are you going to tell him?"

"I'll tell him the same as everyone else—donor sperm. I'm sure that will send him running for the hills again. And then tomorrow, I'll tell start telling the rest of the squad. My ears will be burning for a week."

Elliot watched as she walked to the crib, his thoughts churning. When they'd discussed all of the ramifications of this decision, they'd all assumed that Declan was out of the picture. He wasn't so sure Olivia was right about her news scaring him off; he'd seen the way the man looked at his partner when they ran into him. It didn't seem right to lie to him, but telling the truth would jeopardize all of them. And in the end, it was Liv's decision anyway. He sighed, recalling a poem the nuns used to love to discuss in religion classes: _Oh, what a tangled web we weave…._


	25. Chapter 25

Unexpected

Olivia waited out in front of the precinct for Declan. She'd taken an hour nap in the crib, finished up her paperwork and then changed into an outfit she'd brought that morning—form fitting black pants, a dark red scoop necked blouse with cap sleeves and high heeled black sandals. As she'd struggled to zip up the pants, she realized this would probably be one of the the last times she'd be able to wear anything that tight. No weight gain so far, but her body was changing and she had already noticed a difference in how her clothes fit. When she came out of the crib in her fresh outfit, Elliot was turning off his computer to go home. His eyebrows raised slightly when he saw her, but all he said was "Have a good time tonight, Liv, I'll see you tomorrow."

As she waited for Declan, her thoughts went to how exactly she was going to tell him her news. She decided that she would let him him get out what he wanted to say first before she dropped that bombshell. _What timing! _She was so deep in her thoughts that she was startled when a hand dropped on her shoulder.

"Sorry, I'm late," said Declan, bending to give her a kiss on the cheek, and then, drawing back to look at her. "God, you look great, Liv. Really, there's something different about you. What is it?"

She gave him what she hoped was a mysterious smile, and linked her arm through his. Declan had obviously taken the time to freshen up too; his wavy black hair was still damp from a shower and he smelled like the citrusy cologne that she loved. He wore a gray button down shirt that brought out the green in his eyes. They walked to the corner and she had realized, with a start, that if felt good to be on the arm of a handsome man again, out in the open, not having to hide her feelings.

They caught a cab to the restaurant he had chosen; a small family run Italian restaurant they'd frequented often when they were dating because the food was great and the service personal and friendly. Olivia was glad of his choice; carbs seemed to be one of the few food groups that agreed with her unpredictable stomach these days.

The hostess, Claudia, a daughter of the couple that owned the restaurant, greeted them warmly and escorted them to one of their usual table, in an out of the way corner that allowed privacy. "It's so nice to see you two again," she said as she left them with menus. "We thought you'd forgotten about us."

When their waitress, Francesca, a granddaughter, arrived immediately after to take their drink orders, Declan raised his eyebrows when Olivia ordered only a glass of sparkling water. "No wine?" he asked in surprise. One of the reasons they'd liked this restaurant was for their wine selection.

"Not tonight," she said with a smile and left it at that.

They made small talk over salads, catching each other up on cases and department politics. It was almost as if the last few months had never happened; Dec was relaxed and charming and Olivia found herself remembering all of the things she'd enjoyed about him.

"So, Olivia," he finally said when the waitress had taken away their salad plates. "I'm really glad you said you'd come tonight, I've been wanting to talk to you."

"So you said," said Olivia softly, noticing that he suddenly looked nervous. "What's on your mind, Dec? Just tell me, I won't bite."

He gave short bark of his deep, throaty laugh. "It's nothing awful, Liv, just...awkward. These past few months of therapy have helped me understand some things about myself and I realize now that I wasn't very fair to you when we were seeing each other."

"_You_ weren't fair to _me_?" Olivia gave a gentle laugh. "I was the one who wasn't honest with you, Dec."

"I'm talking about before that. I was pressuring you to move in with me before you were ready and always hassling you about your relationship with Stabler and his family . My therapist helped me understand that those were my issues. I was insecure after how things ended with Cheryl and I was looking to you to prove that I was...well, I was worth something..to you. And I realized that maybe, if I hadn't been so demanding and...needy...if I had been willing to just _listen_, you might have been able to talk to me about what you were going through."

"Oh, Dec," Olivia started to reach across the table for his hand, but just then the waitress arrived with their food. Francesca realized she'd interrupted something intense and excused herself quickly instead of waiting for them to take their first bite as she usually did. When she left, promising to check back with them to see if everything was okay, Olivia went on. "It doesn't excuse what I did. That was all about _me_ and _my _ issues."

"So, we're two adults with baggage," Dec shrugged. "Nothing unusual about that, Liv."

They had both picked up their forks to start eating, but Declan suddenly set his down again and leaned in close to the table. "I guess what I'm trying to say, Liv, is I'm wondering if you'd be willing to give me another chance. I promise to take it as slow as you want, I won't pressure you. We can work through our issues together. You're an amazing woman, Olivia Benson, and …." he looked down at his plate before raising his chin to meet her eyes again "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Every time I you at the station, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and I want to kick myself for letting you get away."

Now it was Olivia's turn to look down at her plate, to hide the tears that were brimming in her eyes. _Damn hormones! And Elliot was right, he does still care. _

Declan misconstrued her silence and went on. "But if you don't want to, I understand and I hope we can still be...friends." He added the last word with a sigh. "But I thought I owed it to us to at least ask, to at least try."

"Declan," Olivia looked up at him with watery eyes and a trembling smile. I_ will not cry here in this restaurant._ "It's just that...my situation has changed..."

He sat back in his chair, a look of disappointment on his face. "Are you seeing someone, Liv?"

She laughed derisively. "No, I'm not seeing anyone. But Dec," she reached for his hand. He let her take it, looking puzzled and cautious at the same time. "Dec, I'm pregnant."

Now his expression was clear: stunned. Before he could say anything else, she went on. "I decided to go ahead with," and here she swallowed hard before continuing, remembering the terms of her agreement with her friends, "donor sperm. And it worked. I'm pregnant." She smiled, unable to hide her happiness. "I'm due in May." She expected him to toss back her hand, to throw his napkin down on the table in disgust, or laugh at the irony of it all, but his reaction totally surprised her. He leaned forward, grasping her hand even tighter, a broad smile on his handsome face.

"You are? That's amazing, Olivia. Congratulations!" He sounded truly happy for her and she gave a short, bubbly laugh of relief. "

"So, I guess that complicates things," she said after a pause. He was still holding her hand and smiling.

"Life's complicated." He shrugged. "I'm willing to give it a shot if you are."

"You'd still want to see me?" she asked in surprise. "Even though I'm pregnant?"

"Is there some rule that pregnant women can't date?" he laughed, and then shook his head. "I guess that explains why you look so., I don't know, _radiant _lately. I know that's a stupid cliché, but you really do have a different look about you."

Olivia smiled and picked up her fork. "This pasta smells amazing," she said, "And I'm ravenous."


	26. Chapter 26

Need

After dinner, Olivia and Declan decided to enjoy the mild summer evening and stroll around Little Italy. They walked slowly, stopping to look in shop windows and admire the displays in the many gourmet grocery stores and bakeries. They walked up to Centre St and past the old Police Building, the original NYPD headquarters, now converted to ritzy co-ops.

"We should come back next month for the San Gennaro festival," suggested Declan, after tasting a pastry from a woman holding a tray of samples outside one establishment.

"What does an Irish boy like you know about Italian feast days?" Olivia laughed. She was enjoying every moment of this evening, still amazed that Declan had taken the news of her pregnancy so easily. He was good company, and it hadn't escaped her notice that women passing by had cast admiring glances his way. His dark wavy hair, green eyes and imposing build _were_ an arresting combination.

He shrugged. "I like good food."

When he noticed Olivia trying to stifle a yawn a few minutes later, he insisted on hailing a cab to take her back to her apartment. "You need your rest," he told her when she protested that she was fine. He held the cab door open and then climbed in after her.

"This has been a nice evening," Olivia told him, resting her head against his shoulder. "I was sure you'd run screaming for the hills when I told you I was pregnant." He chuckled and she felt him press his lips against the top of her head.

"I think it's great, Liv," he told her. "I'm really happy for you."

When they got to her building, he got out with her, paying the cab driver and sending him on his way. Olivia didn't even try to protest when he said he'd see her all of the way to her door. Declan and Elliot were a decade apart in age but both had been raised in that same Irish-Catholic culture where manners were paramount and women were to be protected. She'd long ago given up on pointing out that she could take care of herself.

At her door, waited while she pulled out her key and unlocked the door. "Well, good night, Olivia," he said when she turned to look at him. He bent to give her a kiss on the cheek, but she turned her face so that her lips met his. He pulled back and smiled down at her. "Hey, I thought we were going to go slow," he said, reaching out a finger to trace her full lips. "Not that I haven't been _wanting_ to kiss you all night…"

Olivia didn't hear what else he might have had to say because she was busy wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his face down for another kiss, this one long and lingering. When he responded by putting his hands on either side of her waist and pulling her close, she felt an immediate, intense rush of desire. She'd read that pregnancy hormones could cause heightened sexual arousal and now she understood exactly what they were talking about. She pressed her hips forward against him and felt that he was already aroused. With her arms still wrapped around his neck and her lips locked on his, she began edging the two of them backwards and through her open apartment door.

He pulled free and whispered "This isn't slow, Liv."

"I don't want slow," she whispered back, reaching past him to slam her door shut. "I want you, inside me, now."

He groaned and began to cover her face with kisses, her temple, her eyes, the corners of her mouth. She stopped him by taking his bottom lips between her teeth and gently biting down. She didn't want slow, or gentle or anything but hot sex and she didn't want to wait another second_. _To make her point, she reached down and put the palm of her hand flat against the front of his pants and slid it up and down the considerable bulge there.

He pulled his lip free and searched her face with those gorgeous green eyes. Evidently what he saw convinced him, because he began to return her kisses with equal fervor. When he began tugging at the hem of her shirt to pull it over her head, she almost sighed with relief. Not wanting to even take the time to walk the short distance to her bedroom, she pushed him toward the couch. She kicked off her sandals, shimmied out of her pants and stretched out on the couch in her underwear, a black lace bra and matching boy-cut briefs. She looked up at him with an inviting smile, and patted the couch next to her.

Instead of throwing himself on top of her as she wanted, he sat down on the edge of the couch next to her, reaching out a big warm hand to stroke the side of her face. She nuzzled against it and kissed the palm. "Make love to me, Dec," she said in a hoarse voice. Somewhere at the back of her mind she was embarrassed by how she was behaving, but she ignored that inconvenient nudge and reached for him to unbutton his shirt. She slipped a hand inside and pressed it against his warm stomach, sliding down to his waistband. His breathing quickened and he stood up, quickly shedding his clothes and dropping them on the floor. He joined her, stretching his full length out next to her. The small space forced them together and she reveled in the feel of his body against hers.

"Olivia," he sighed her name like a prayer, twisting his hands in her thick hair and pulling her face to his for a rough kiss. He nibbled at her lips and thrust his tongue inside to tangle with hers. He moved one hand down to slip a finger inside her briefs, where she was wetter than she'd ever been. She moaned and pressed her thighs together to trap his hand. It was as if all of her senses were on fire; she was dangerously close to losing total control.

"Declan, please, I need you inside me," she moaned, tugging on his shoulders in an effort to move him on top of her. He chuckled and tried to wiggle her briefs down over his hips, but it was impossible on the cramped couch. He sat up and crouched over her, removing her briefs and then bending to nuzzle her breast just above the lace of her bra. She was done with waiting and reached down to grasp him in her hand and guide him to where she wanted, no _needed _him to be. At the last minute, a tiny bit of rational thought pushed through to the front of her brain: she had a baby to think about.

"Dec," she gasped, stroking the hot, hard length of him. "Do we need a condom?"

He pulled back and looked at her in puzzlement. She could almost hear him thinking: _Is she crazy? She's pregnant, I'm sterile and she's worried about birth control? _Then a look of understanding crossed his face and he bent to kiss her. "Liv, if you're asking if I've been with anyone since you, the answer is no." His breath was warm against her lips. "No one but you, Liv."

That was all of the answer she needed. She put her hands on his hips and guided him into her, almost crying out loud at the exquisite pleasure when he was _finally_ fully inside of her. They were still for a minute and then Declan started to move slowly but Liv was having none of that. She wrapped her legs around his ass to pull him in even tighter, gripping his shoulders with her fingers. She met every thrust by raising her hips, intensifying the friction. Every inch of her body seemed to more sensitive than usual. It wasn't long before she was she was engulfed in wave after wave of the most powerful climax she'd ever experienced.

Declan slowed his movements, holding her until she was finished. "You okay?" he whispered, nuzzling her ear. She nodded and sighed. "More than okay," she murmured. She ran her hands down his back and gripped his ass, urging him to resume. It wasn't long before he followed her with a climax of his own.

They lay on the couch together, bodies joined, breathing labored. Declan reached up and brushed the hair off Olivia's forehead. "That was amazing," he said, kissing her temple.

She laughed softly. "It sure was," she answered, running her hand lightly along the side of his face, still in disbelief that the evening had turned out like this. She'd been expecting to have a nice dinner, break her news and come home alone like every other night of the past few months.

"I didn't know if I'd ever get to be with you, like this, again," he said softly, his eyes locking with hers. "I thought you'd shoot me down at dinner, tell me to get lost and grow up."

"I guess we both got surprised tonight," she murmured, kissing him softly. "I like surprises."


	27. Chapter 27

Conflict

Olivia strode into the squad room the next morning, full of confidence and wearing a bright smile. Elliot was already sitting at his desk and looked up at her, eyebrows raised.

"Looks like things went well last night," he said with a wry smile. "You're….glowing."

"So I'm told," she retorted with a smile of her own. She sat down at her own desk, unable to hide a big grin. "He didn't care, El. He thinks it's great that I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant?" Olivia had been so intent on sharing her news with Elliot that she'd failed to notice Munch on his way back from the coffee machine. She nodded at him, still wearing the big grin. She'd planned to tell the rest of the unit today anyway; if she started with Munch, he'd probably spread the word for her.

"Congratulations!" he said, coming over to her desk to give her a hug. "Immaculate conception?" Elliot snorted at his desk, spilling his coffee. He grabbed a tissue and started dabbing at his keyboard.

"Funny," Olivia replied, "but actually, pretty close. Donor sperm."

"Really?" Munch's eyes shot up and he perched on the edge of her desk, coffee in hand. "Did you know that studies have shown…?"

Olivia raised her hand to stop him. "Not today, John, please! No random facts to spoil my good mood."

Fin came in wearing his usual morning scowl and headed straight for the coffee machine. He eyed the pot suspiciously and turned around. "Stabler—you here first today?" When Elliot nodded, he turned and went back to his desk empty-handed.

"Wait until you hear Olivia's news." Munch called to him. "You won't need caffeine anymore."

Fin looked at Olivia suspiciously. "Maybe you should sit down first," she suggested. He remained standing, so she shrugged and said "I'm pregnant."

For some reason, Fin glanced at Elliot before smiling at Olivia and saying "That's great, Liv. I'm happy for you."

The four of them chatted for awhile about Olivia's due date and plans. She was touched by how genuinely happy everyone seemed for her. Elliot sat quietly at his desk, injecting a comment here and there but mostly just listening to the conversation as it flowed around him. She tried to catch his eye, but he was studiously avoiding contact. She wondered if he was finding it difficult to pretend that he had nothing more than a passing interest in this child.

"Is Cragen gonna get a new detective in here while you're over at Computer Crimes and out on maternity leave?" Fin asked. They hadn't had the best luck with substitutes over the years and had long ago decided they'd rather work short than try to train someone new.

"He wasn't sure," said Olivia. "But it would only be temporary—I'm definitely coming back here after the baby is born." She told them about her plan to find an au pair.

"An interesting but little-known fact about au pairs…," Munch began and then stopped when he saw the look on Olivia's face. "Ah, never mind."

* * *

Elliot and Olivia managed to slip out for lunch alone a few hours later. Olivia filled him in on the details—some of the details—of the evening before.

"He wasn't even fazed when I told him I was pregnant," she told Elliot happily.

"So you two are…seeing each other again?" Elliot asked, picking at the remnants of his sandwich.

"He wants to take it slow and see how things go." Olivia said. "Honestly, I don't know how it's going to play out; he may change his mind when he sees me fat and pregnant with someone else's baby." A frown flashed across Elliot's face to be quickly replaced with an impassive expression.

"So, what _did_ you tell him?" he asked. His tone was casual, but his tense neck and shoulders said otherwise.

"I told him what I've told everyone else," Olivia said in a quiet tone.

Elliot raised his eyes to meet hers. He looked apprehensive. "Isn't that going to cause problems down the road?"

"El, at this point I have no idea what "down the road" is going to be. We're just taking this one day at a time. And besides, what choice do I have? We all agreed." She looked at him, frustrated that he was being so negative.

"It just doesn't seem…" he hesitated for a second, searching for the best words "…right to start a relationship based on a lie."

Olivia glared at him. "Do you _want _me to tell him the truth?"

"No, I don't. I think we should stick to our plan; it's what's best for everybody."

"So, what's your problem?" Olivia asked her voice rising. "Are you telling me I should stop seeing Declan?"

"No, that's not it," Elliot said quickly. "I'm just…struggling with all of this, Liv. Declan wasn't in the picture when we cooked this all up."

"So, you just thought I'd be alone with this baby for the rest of my life and there'd be any need to tell anyone the whole story?"

"No! Would you please stop putting words in my mouth?" Elliot slapped his hand down on the table in frustration. People at nearby tables turned to look and then glanced away at his angry glare. He lowered his voice and leaned in toward Olivia seated across from him. "Of course I don't want you to be alone forever, Liv. I hope things work out for you and Declan. I just didn't expect to be dealing with any of this so soon."

"Elliot, you don't have to _deal_ with anything," Olivia's tone was harsh. "This is my problem now, remember? "

"Well, your _problem_ has the potential to have a major impact on _my_ life." Elliot snapped back.

Olivia softened her tone. "I know, El. And I promise to live by our agreement. I don't know what's going to happen with Dec; it's way too early to tell. And if we somehow do end up together," she paused, and swallowed hard, not wanting to get too far ahead of herself and jinx things, "it won't change anything. We agreed that this secret will stay with the three of us and I don't see that changing."

"What if you get married?" Elliot challenged.

"It won't change anything." Olivia said firmly, but a nagging thought formed in the back of her mind. When they'd come up with their agreement, any future spouse of hers seemed remotely distant and unknown. Declan wasn't an unknown. He knew Elliot and Kathy; he worked out of the same building. He'd been part of her life before she became pregnant. It did, somehow, seem wrong to lie to him. But what choice did she have?

The waitress came by to refill their drinks, but Elliot shook her off, asking for the check instead. "We should get back to the station," he said. He sounded tired.

"Wait, before we go," Olivia dug around in her purse and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. "Can you take this home and fill it out? It's for my appointment with the genetic counselor next week. They want medical histories on both parents. "

Elliot took the paper out of her hand, but didn't look at it. His eyes were narrowed. "Genetic counseling? What for?"

Too late, Olivia remembered Elliot's strong feelings on this subject. When Kathy was pregnant at 41 for Eli—a year older than Liv was now, they'd declined any testing, saying the results wouldn't matter because of their religious beliefs. "It's no big deal, Elliot. Because of my age, my doctor wants me to go to talk to a genetic counselor to help me decide which tests to have."

"Tests?" his eyes narrowed even further.

"Possible tests." She glared back at him. Why had she said anything at all to him? But she needed his history for the doctor to do an accurate assessment, and she wanted to do everything possible to be sure this baby was born healthy. "You know, Elliot, sometimes there are procedures they can do in utero to correct conditions before a baby is even born. I just want this baby to have every possible chance."

Elliot leaned forward in his chair, getting as close as he could to her face given the table between them. "You can have all of the tests you want, Olivia Benson, but you are _not_ going to abort my child." He hissed.

Olivia stood up, furious at herself and at the idiot sitting across the table from her. Why had she even tried to talk to him? She should have just gotten the information from Kathy. She leaned forward so that she was inches from his face. "No one said anything about abortion, you pompous ass! And this is _my _child. Not yours, not ours. _Mine_."

With that, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Elliot glowering at the table.


	28. Chapter 28

Reminder

Elliot arrived home that night in an irritable mood. He and Olivia had worked together for the rest of the afternoon, but the atmosphere was tense. Neither of them brought up the lunch-time argument, but it hung in the air between them like a looming storm cloud.

Kathy was in the kitchen putting the final touches on dinner when he walked in. His first stop was the refrigerator, where he grabbed a beer, twisted open the top, and took a long swallow. Then he pulled the questionnaire Olivia had given him out of his pocket and handed it to his wife.

"Take a look at what Olivia handed me today. Did you know that she was planning to go to a genetic counselor?" he practically barked.

Kathy looked at him, eyebrows raised. "Hello to you too, sweetheart. _My _day was fine. How was _yours_?" she asked dryly.

Elliot gave her a sheepish look. "I'm sorry, babe." He walked over to give her a kiss. "I'm just so ticked off about this whole thing," he added, nodding at the paper in her hand. "Where are the kids?"

"Believe it or not, the twins voluntarily took Eli to the playground. I think they're trying to stock up credit for some outrageous request in the future." She unfolded the papers Elliot had handed her and began to read. After a moment, she looked up at him, puzzled. "What's the problem? This is just a family history."

"The questions aren't the problem; it's what they're going to do with it. Did you know she was doing this?"

"Yes," said Kathy calmly. "I offered to go with her for moral support."

Elliot paused in the act of raising the beer bottle to his mouth, staring at her in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" he asked.

"Elliot, it's not a big deal. It's pretty standard for a woman having a baby at Olivia's age, especially her first baby."

"You didn't have this done." He stated flatly.

"No, I didn't, but that was a choice we made together, because of our beliefs. Elliot, this isn't our baby. It's Olivia's. We agreed we wouldn't interfere. All we can do is support her." Kathy looked at him, her eyes narrowed. "Did you give her a hard time about this today?"

He shrugged. "We got into an argument about it at lunch."

"Elliot," Kathy sighed his name. She took the beer out of his hand, set it on the table and pulled him close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked him in the eye. Her voice was soft, but firm. "El, you've got to let go. This isn't our baby; this is Olivia's baby. We agreed. It's the only way it's going to work for all of us. "

He leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. "I know," he admitted in a low voice. "It all sounded good in theory, Kath, but in practice, it's so much harder than I expected."

"Oh, babe," Kathy kissed him, softly. She held him and whispered "You're a great father, Elliot, but you've got to trust Olivia to do what's best for this baby. It's a gift we—you—agreed to give her. We can't second guess her every move or this is going to destroy all of us. Trust her. "

He nodded, unable to speak. They stood in each other's arms, rocking slowly, drawing strength from each other.

"Is supper ready yet?" The back door banged open and their troop of noisy children burst in, ending their moment and reminding them they had plenty of kid stuff of their own to occupy their minds and hearts.

* * *

Later that night, Elliot sat on the edge of his bed in his boxers, staring at the cell phone in his hand. Finally, he flipped it open and composed a text: "Meet me at the diner for b'fast b4 work tmrw? 7:30?" He waited for a few minutes, but there was no reply. He sighed and stretched out on the bed on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling. Just as Kathy came out of the bathroom, his phone beeped.

"Do we really have to have this discussion again?" was Olivia's reply. He typed in his response: "Yes. I want to apologize" Another long pause, followed by another beep. "Good. Ur buying."

Elliot laughed and flipped the phone shut. He turned to look at Kathy, who had slipped into bed beside him. "Everything okay?" she asked, nodding toward his phone.

"Yeah," he replied with an embarrassed smile. "I need to go in a little earlier tomorrow. I'm meeting Liv for breakfast-to apologize."

She smiled back at him. "Good for you," she said, reaching out to stroke his cheek. "You're a good man, Elliot Stabler."

He put his hand over hers and closed his eyes. "Keep reminding me of that over the next few months, okay? " He said softly. "I think I'm going to need it."


	29. Chapter 29

**_A/N:pen·ul·ti·mate adj \pi-ˈnəl-tə-mət\ : next to the last _****_the penultimate chapter of a book. My not-so-subtle way of saying that the next chapter of Kindred will be the last. I'm a little sad, because this has been my favorite story of all to write, but also excited because I have two more sequels planned that continue the story started here. Many thanks to all who have read this story, an extra thanks to all who have taken the time to review and a really special thanks to those who read chapters in advance and served as a sounding board for my crazy ideas. _**

Penultimate

In the coming months, Elliot did need a few reminders, but he slowly learned to distance himself. When Olivia said she was planning to find out the sex of the baby at her 18 week sonogram, he managed to keep his comments to himself. The news that she was having a girl overwhelmed him with emotion, thinking of his three daughters as newborns, but he kept that to himself as well. He approved of her choice of names; August, for the month in which she was conceived, and Serena, after her mother. He hoped that this way of remember her mother would help Liv find some peace with their difficult history. It was a relief when she transferred over to computer crimes at six months; he worried constantly about her safety as her pregnancy became more and more obvious, but didn't dare say anything for fear of her committing violence against _him_. His biggest fear was that some nut job would try to target her because of her vulnerable condition. He'd long ago learned that his partner could take care of herself on the job, but she couldn't extend that same guarantee to her unborn child. Working a desk in Computer Crimes was a far better situation for her and they made a point of having lunch together whenever their schedules allowed.

Kathy and Olivia grew even closer over the course of her pregnancy; having and raising babies was something at which Kathy was an expert, at least in Olivia's eyes. Being able to advise someone she had always admired and somewhat feared leveled the playing field for Kathy and made her, at long last, put any lingering doubts about Olivia to rest. She went to many of Olivia's appointments with her, helped her shop for baby items and agreed to be her labor coach. Elliot found it hard to tell at times which one of them was more excited about this pregnancy, but Kathy being so involved gave him peace of mind and made it easier for him to back off. He knew his children's best interests were always Kathy's biggest priority, and this unborn child was no exception.

Olivia and Declan continued to date. In April, they announced they were getting married in a small civil ceremony. Elliot knew what this meant; Declan would become the baby's father in every sense of the word, but most importantly, in a legal sense. The law didn't care who fathered a child, just that the child's interests were protected. The man that was married to the mother at the time of birth was the legal parent. He was uneasy about the fact that Declan didn't know the truth about the baby's conception; but he couldn't see any way to fix that without ripping all of their lives apart. So he kept those thoughts to himself as well.

* * *

On the day of the wedding, Olivia was, of course, a beautiful bride. The pregnancy was going smoothly for her; she carried the extra weight well and radiant "glow" was more apparent than ever. She wore a gauzy white dress that flowed around her, doing nothing to hide her pregnancy but managing to be flattering anyway. Declan looked extremely handsome in a dark grey suit. Kathy and Elliot were their witnesses, and after the brief ceremony, there was a combined reception and baby shower at the Italian restaurant where the couple had decided to resume their relationship. The Meloni family happily closed their restaurant for the afternoon and joined in the festivities.

Fin, Munch and the Captain went in on a stroller as a baby gift, after John thoroughly researched the safest models. Seeing Fin wheel the be-ribboned contraption into the restaurant was the highlight of the reception. Elliot made sure to get a picture for future blackmail opportunities.

Once Declan's family got over their unease at being in a room filled with mostly cops, everyone had a great time. The food was delicious and the music, provided by the Meloni's sons, had everyone dancing. Olivia dragged Dickie out on the dance floor, to his embarrassment—and secret delight. Toward the end of the afternoon, Elliot managed to snag the bride for a slow dance.

"You look beautiful, Liv," he said to her softly. Her face was flushed from dancing and laughing. He'd never seen her so happy.

She tipped her head to the side at his remark. Elliot wasn't prone to giving compliments. "Why, thank you, partner," she said, laughing. She patted her baby belly. "It won't be long now, and then I'll be back at work with you. Miss me?"

It was his turn to laugh. She knew that the replacement detective Cragen had ended up getting transferred in from Vice was driving him crazy. A twenty year veteran, ten of them in Vice, Johnson had grown overly cynical from his years of dealing with the seediest side of humanity and didn't seem to be able to muster up any empathy for the victims the Special Victims Unit dealt with. Elliot couldn't wait for Liv to get back and kick Johnson's butt to the curb.

Kathy & Declan were dancing nearby, and Declan edged them over closer. "You're not moving in on my wife, are you Stabler?" he asked with a grin. There had been no more problems with jealousy since he and Olivia had gotten back together, which Elliot found extremely ironic.

"Nah," said Elliot, passing Liv over to her new husband and taking Kathy into his arms. "I've got my own beautiful bride." Kathy groaned at his corny remark, but there was a sparkle in her blue eyes as she leaned in close to give him a kiss before they danced away.

* * *

Olivia went into labor early on a Saturday morning, three days before her due date. The ringing phone startled Elliot out of a dream where he was chasing a perp who kept ducking down endless alleyways. He snatched the phone up and groggily barked: "Stabler". In an instant, he was wide awake and shaking Kathy, who'd long ago learned to sleep through his night-time calls. "We'll meet you at the hospital, Dec."

They woke Lizzie up to let her know they were putting the baby monitor in her room so, as they'd planned for this situation; she could have the honor of getting up with her little brother at the crack of dawn. To his credit, now that Eli was almost three, he slept later—until almost 6:30. Lizzie was so excited about the imminent arrival of Olivia's baby she had volunteered for the task. Olivia had promised her first dibs at babysitting, given all of her experience with her younger brother.

Elliot and Kathy drove to the hospital in the early pre-dawn light, each trying to gather their thoughts to be prepared for the big event. Kathy reached over and took Elliot's closest hand from the steering wheel and grasped it in her own.

"You ready for this?" she asked gently. Elliot had been present at the birth of all of their children except Eli, whom Olivia had helped deliver in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. She knew how overcome with emotion he was when his children had made their entrance into the world and understood that this day was going to be difficult for him.

He nodded, and squeezed back. "Yeah," he said, "I am."

"Remember when the twins were born?" she asked, relaxing back into her seat but still holding his hand in hers. Elliot chucked. Lizzie had been born first, but Dickie had been so close behind that the doctor had joked that he was trying to push his sister out of the way. It was only the beginning of a life time of trying to outdo each other. Kathy had watched as the nurses put a baby in each of Elliot's arms and he bent to kiss their tiny heads. He loved his daughters, but he'd been so happy to have a son as well.

"Yeah, that was a good day, wasn't it?" he mused. "Who knew they'd grow up to tag team us?"


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: Why do I feel like I am sending my child off to college? I will miss the story, but am excited about the two sequels I have planned. If you enjoyed Kindred, stay tuned for further develops in the story of E/K/O and now, of course, D.

And one last plug for our campaign to raise funds for the Butler Child Advocacy Center in the Bronx to honor Chris Meloni on his 50th birthday on April 2nd. To find out more information, visit my profile on Twitter: Foreword55 or follow this link, closing up the spaces: (fanfiction doesn't allow links to be posted here: http:/ / 6673tv2

Fulfillment

When they arrived at the hospital, Declan was pacing in the hall outside of Olivia's room. "They're starting an I.V. and I just couldn't watch," he explained, rushing up to meet them. "She's asking for you, Kathy. She's at 6 centimeters with contractions every 2-3 minutes." Declan had been involved in every step of Olivia's pregnancy and had attended the birthing classes along with her and Kathy, but had felt it best that Kathy be the actual coach. Olivia's new husband, a strapping 6'1 and 200 lbs had an embarrassing history of passing out at the sight of blood, especially if it belonged to someone he cared about.

Kathy handed her purse and jacket to Eliot and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before disappearing into Olivia's room. As the door open and closed, the two men heard Olivia gasping in pain. Both winced.

"How in the hell did you do this five times?" Declan asked, his eyes wide.

"Four," Elliot corrected him. "Come on, let's go find some coffee, it's probably going to be awhile before anything really happens." He checked in with the nurse at the desk, who directed them to a small break room down the hall that was stocked with drinks and snacks. "When did her contractions start?" he asked, trying to make conversation the younger man, who was staring at the coffee pot as if he'd never seen one before. Elliot poured two cups and handed one to Declan who accepted it as if on auto pilot.

"Um, right after dinner," mumbled taking a sip and wincing when he burned his lip. Elliot took the cup back from him and added some creamer. "But the contractions weren't too bad until an hour or so ago. Then her water broke and things got more intense."

"Her water broke?" Elliot asked. He picked up his own coffee and steered Dec back out to the hall. "We'd better get back there then."

"Why, is that bad?" asked Declan. He felt as though he'd forgotten every single thing he'd learned in the classes.

"No, it's good," Elliot assured him. "It usually speeds things up."

When they got back to Olivia's room, Kathy was standing in the doorway, looking for them. She motioned to Declan to enter the room. "She wants to see you," she told him. She took his coffee cup and handed it to Elliot to hold.

"How's she doing?" asked Elliot, his brow creased, watching as Declan hurried through the door.

"Good," Kathy told him. "Things are moving fast for a first baby. It won't be too much longer, I don't think."

"That's good, for his sake," Elliot laughed. "Was I ever that nervous?"

Kathy smiled up at him. "Remember with Maureen? How you kept asking the doctor the same questions over and over again? I thought she was going to throw you out of the room. But after that, you were great. I never would have made through Kathleen without you." Of all of the Stabler children, Kathleen, true to her later form, had been the most difficult delivery, getting stuck at the shoulders on her way out of the birth control and pinching off the umbilical cord in the process. There had been a frantic flurry of activity as the doctor rushed to deliver her, and a scary moment when her initial APGAR was far below normal. But she'd pinked up and started wailing before the minute was out and had been making her presence known in the world ever since.

Declan hurried out of the room again, his face an alarming shade of grey. "She needs you," he said to Kathy who smothered a laugh at his state as she passed by him to return to Olivia's side.

* * *

The two men sat in the comfortable chairs in the lounge area. The hospital had a state-of-the-art labor and delivery department. Mothers gave birth in the same rooms in which they labored unless there were complications that required a delivery room. The labor rooms were decorated like a bedroom at home, complete with whirlpool tubs where the mothers could spend part of their labor. Olivia, apparently, wasn't going to have any time to enjoy any of the comforts.

"She's at eight centimeters," Declan told Elliot. "The doctor thinks, at this rate, she'll deliver in the next hour or so."

Elliot nodded. For all of the times he'd been with Kathy during labor, he somehow couldn't picture Olivia in the same situation and was relieved to not to have to be a witness. Another irony, given that he was the one who'd put her in this condition. He shook the thought out of his head.

"I hope I can be a good father," said Declan softly. "I didn't think I'd ever have children, and now this…" His voice trailed off and he stared at the floor between his feet, his coffee forgotten.

"Once you see that baby, you won't have any doubts," Elliot assured him. This had been true for him, but would it apply to Declan, who didn't have that bond of knowing that he'd help to create this new life?

"I know I'm not the baby's biological father," Declan said. "But that doesn't matter, I already love her."

Elliot's heart both raised and fell in the same single moment. He felt relief at knowing this child—the child that _was _a part of him no matter how much they all pretended otherwise—would be loved and cherished by a good man who was more than capable of taking care of her. He also felt a small part of his heart rip away, knowing once and for all that he had no claim whatsoever over this little girl. She belonged, honestly and totally, to Olivia and Declan.

* * *

August Serena Benson O'Reilly made her way into the world at 9:10 on Saturday, May 15th. Declan managed to pull himself together to be present for the birth, and was the first one to hold his new daughter. He beamed with pride as he handed her to Olivia, who had tears pouring down her cheeks. Disheveled and exhausted, she looked more beautiful than ever. He put the baby in her arms and bent to hold them both.

Kathy slipped out of the room to give them some privacy and deliver the news to Elliot, who was dozing in a chair. He snapped awake when he heard her footsteps and looked at her expectantly.

"Eight pounds, three ounces," she told him, tired but smiling happily. "with a full head of dark hair." She didn't add, but they both thought, _just like Eli._

"How's Olivia?" Elliot asked, pulling his wife into his arms for a hug. Kathy rested against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart against her cheek.

"She's fine, tired but fine. She came through it like a trooper."

Elliot laughed softly. "With you by her side, did you expect anything different?"

Declan came out of the room with one of the nurses. "I've got to go sign the birth certificate," he told them. He motioned back at the room. "Elliot, she'd like to see you."

Kathy straightened up and smiled up at Elliot. _You can do it,_ she said with her eyes. _Go say hello and goodbye to your baby girl._ "I'm going to go to the restroom," she told him. "And find myself a cup of that coffee."

* * *

Elliot walked slowly to the door, his stomach churning and mind awash with emotion. When he peered inside, Olivia was sitting propped up in the bed, looking simultaneously worn out and radiantly happy. There was a nurse cleaning up the table in the corner where they'd done the baby's initial exam. She bustled by with a handful of equipment, promising to be back in a minute with something for Olivia to drink.

They were alone. "Hey," said Olivia, with a weary smile. Elliot stepped closer to the bed and looked down at the new life in his partner's arms. Her little face was scrunched up tight, as if she was trying hard to return to a dream from which she'd been interrupted. He could see the dark hair Kathy had told him about peeking out from under the pink knit cap the nurses had dressed her in, but it appeared to be straight, not curly like Eli's. That helped, somehow. Olivia loosened the blanket that was wrapped around her and gave Elliot a good look at the wonder that was their daughter. "She's beautiful," he whispered, reaching out a hand to touch her tiny one. Both of her fists were clenched tightly closed. He didn't try to insert his finger into hers to stimulate that newborn grasp as he had with all of his other children; that would have torn him apart.

"Do you…do you want to hold her?" Olivia asked hesitantly. She could see the emotions playing across Elliot's face and how hard he was fighting to control them. He shook his head, rubbed his thumb once over the warmth of her tiny first and released it. There was no schmaltzy movie moment; his daughter didn't open her eyes to look at him or turn her head toward the sound of his voice. "No," he managed to choke out. "I'd better not."

Olivia wrapped the blanket back around August. "Thank you," she whispered, looking up at him, her brown eyes brimming with tears. "Thank you, Elliot. I didn't know it was possible to be this happy, and it's all because of you."

He bent to kiss her, once, gently on the cheek. He looked at the baby again, snuggled in her blanket.

"I'm happy for you and Declan, Liv," he said simply. Their eyes locked for a long moment, blue on brown, expressing all of the things that neither of them could voice. Olivia nodded, just once, to let him know that she understood, answering his unspoken permission with a promise of her own.


End file.
